Diary of a "fat girl"

All who have been overweight at one point in your life, and even some who have not have that inner fat girl.  She is the one that says “If I don’t wear a longer shirt my belly shows”… “if I eat in front of those people they will think I am a pig” … “if I sit in that chair, I may not fit.”  For those of us who have ever been extremely overweight, that voice is stronger, meaner, and never goes away, no matter how much weight you lose.  It is the voice that holds you back from living life, for trying new things you have never been able to do before. 

 

This is the voice that tells me no matter how much weight I have lost, I am still a fat person.  I am still not good enough.  What is enough anyway?  What makes one person special OVER another?  Perception.  That is the answer.  It is all in how YOU see yourself.  What others think shouldn’t matter.  But let’s face it…it does.  We want desperately to feel beautiful and accepted and loved by that hot guy/girl that walks by.  We all want to be accepted whole-heartedly from the “cool people.”  No matter how old you get, there is always that group you wish you could tag along with.  I have found the older I get and the more weight I have lost that some of them will look now.  However, it is the people who saw me when I was invisible that matter.  Your friends, family and the people in your life that cheer you on every day to becoming a more beautiful you, those are the ones whose opinions should matter to you.  Not because you are losing weight, but because you are fighting for your life. 

~You are fighting to live and to be a part of this world.~  

I went to the grocery store the other day and I found myself thinking of how I used to buy boxed food all the time, frozen pizzas, corn dogs… you know processed CHEAP food.  It is no wonder I was unhappy.  I wasn’t healthy at all.  When you put those kinds of toxins in your body, it runs you down and takes away your energy.  When you eat healthy fruits, veggies, whole grains, nuts, lean meats, it gives your body the energy you need and the brain power as well.  Every once in a while I will still grab something naughty.  I am human after all. =)  Somehow I always seem to regret it, because it makes me sluggish and tired.  My body doesn’t like to be fed those foods anymore (never did if I am honest with myself).  In my mind I still have that “fat girl” that says you will feel better if you have a cookie, piece of cake…chocolate.  But, I just don’t.  If I replace that cookie with something like hummus and bell peppers, or an apple, I do actually “feel better.”  

See we are not just fighting foods, we are fighting ourselves.  We are fighting that voice that says a candy bar makes us feel good about what just happened today, instead of realizing you cannot change what happened.  Eating something that gives you good energy and going for a walk makes you feel better.  I don’t know about you, but when I do that, I DO feel better.   I can still use food as a source to help me “feel better” as long as I am using the right combinations.  I don’t always get it right, but each time I make a healthy choice, I feel energized by the results. 

Being overweight is an illness; it is a sickness, just like alcoholism or drug addiction.  Our battle is with food. No matter how much weight I have lost, or God willing how much more I lose, I will always have my inner fat girl messing with my head.  I don’t know how to shut her off!  I wish we all had that ability.  However, I know what helps me.  Talking.  Talking to the people in my life and admitting my struggles.  This helps me overcome these battles that I face.

To you out there reading my blog, I encourage you to talk, talk to the people in your life.  Make a meal plan and exercise routine that fits your life.  Do not diet!  Change your lifestyle.  Saying no to one thing that is hard to say no to like that donut, cookie, candy bar, bag of chips that you love, will give you a power inside that will give you the strength to replace it with a healthy choice.  If you don’t have someone in your life you feel understands, email me.  I would happy to help in any way that I can.  The biggest thing I want you to know is that you are not alone!  Many of us are silently struggling with this demon floating around inside of our hearts and minds.  There is no need for that.  There truly are people out there who understand. 

~You are NOT alone.~

In my next blog I am going to post the meal plan my doctor came up with.  I encourage you to talk to your doctor about what meal plan would be best for you, mine is specific for me because I have Type 2 Diabetes. 

I hope you will check out the next blog, until then God bless you and shine on!

The new and improved

Welcome!

This is my first blog since I switched from Myspace to Facebook. I finally decided it was time to start again. The reasoning, I was simply encouraged by meeting the one, the only... Sean Patrick Flanery (ShineUntilTomorrow.com). I have been reading his blogs for a while, and have been so encouraged by his mission to call people to a healthy place in life, inside and out.  When I heard he was coming to Portland for the Wizard World Comic Con, I knew I had to try to go. What I hadn't planned on was how remarkable this man is in person. He is just as smart, sweet, witty and wise in person and SO human, as his voice in his blogs. Aside from this passionate engaging man writing an incredible blog, he is also an actor. He has been featured in Boondock Saints (1&2), Powder, and Young Indie. I could go on and on about what he has done out there on the big screen. However, I rather share with you what he has done for me.

Back in April of 2011 I was very sick and was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I was horribly overweight with no saving grace set aside to think I would ever be able to lose weight. Being diagnosed with Diabetes was the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't be shocked, be amazed! I immediately set up an eating plan with my doctor, because I didn't know anything about this disease or how to eat right. I started with Metformin and was told eventually it might not be enough and I may have to do insulin shots, but we would start here. START I did! I got my fat butt out there and walked my feet tired and bloody and haven't stopped. I walk an average of 4-8 miles a day, sometimes more, but typically about 6 days a week. I still eat good and take care of myself. After 9 months of being on Metformin, I was able to stop taking it. My A1C went to out of the diabetic range and I dropped about 60lbs. Now here I am almost two years later. I have lost 170lbs.

I have gained LIFE.  I have found strength in my God, in my SELF, in life.  I am a completely different person.  I have confidence to live, where I once wanted nothing more than to die. 

Which brings me right back to Sean Flanery; I stood in line (first one) and waited like a teenage girl with a high school crush.

In walks this guy, just comes in, plunks down his pack, his apples and is on fire because he just met the Fonz. 

 

Sean Flanery and Henry Winkler
 

 

I hope that he doesn't mind me sharing his picture, but look at that face, he is just boom! Shine Sean, shine!

He showed me this picture and I was immediately at ease. I mean come on, he is a fan, he is a guy, he is normal. I was so thankful I was able to tell him how much I appreciate what he does. Because when you tell someone how much they have affected your life, how much they have encouraged you, before you know it, you are giving right back! I was truly blessed to meet Sean and talk to him about my story and share with him my battle. I fight it every day. It isn't something that I conquered and now I am done. I have to live with diabetes for the rest of my life. It was a change in my lifestyle, not a diet and exercise program. What they don't tell you a lot of the time when you get diagnosed with something like this, is yes you have to lose weight, the weight makes it worse, but what they don't tell you is emotionally what it can do to you. I was a mess the first year. I lost so much weight, but I also lost my identity. I lost my wall that I had hid behind my whole life. All of a sudden people noticed me. People would talk to me, and I was such a recluse it took a long time to reconcile my new self. To find a new identity, reach inside of who God wanted me to be, and let it SHINE. Meeting Sean was not about meeting an "actor" or meeting someone "famous" it was about having the confidence to walk up to someone who reaches out to people like me and is a light in this dark world and just simply say "thank you." Thank you for your passionate heart, thank you for reaching out to us, thank you for being human and not letting the glitter of Hollywood take away who YOU are.

Sean is amazing and though I may never see him again, he helped me put those final pieces of myself together. I have found the final piece of the puzzle of me. I have found my confidence and I have also found a place where I can reach out to others and encourage them in this life. What I went through was the most difficult of anything I've ever done. And there were nights I cried myself to sleep because I was tired and sore and sad for what I had done to myself. And I kept praying that God would show me one day that this was going to be worth it. When I met Sean, God said here ya go! Learn by HIM. Reach out and just be a voice, be a light...shine. So again, thank you Sean, thank you for everything.

Me and Sean Flanery, Wizard World Comic Con, 2013

 

As you can see, Norman Reedus was there over Sean's shoulder, but Sean was still my main event!

 

 

This hangs in my office to remind me to Shine!