?Living? With a Mental Illness...

Am I living this life?

Anyone who has a mental illness knows that there are bouts of time that you are not living your life, you are surviving your life.  

The amount of effort it takes to get up in the morning alone can zap all your strength.  There are days you feel nothing you do is right and because you cannot think clearly or rationally at times, it makes you feel less than you should be.  

Sometimes I feel like I am one blow up away from losing everything I have and it terrifies me.  When I was younger I lost a lot, and a lot was taken from me.  For much of my adult life I shut myself away, terrified to let anyone in.  Terrified that if I did, they would leave eventually because I have Bipolar.  Anyone who has this illness or knows someone who has it knows it is a never ending battle.  

On good days I feel strong and hopeful that I can make it through this life just fine.  That I am not defined by my illness, but rather it makes me stronger.  I feel happy and loved and excited about my life.  Those are the days that I trust God to lead my life and do all I can to laugh and have fun....blue sky days...

On a bad day, I fight the darkest demons that tell me I don't deserve to live.  That I am holding my loved ones back.  That I am not worth the effort or the trouble that my melt downs cause.  That I am not worthy of the sacrifice it takes to be in my life.  I feel hopeless and sad and feel like giving up.  These are my dark days...

I try so hard to dig myself out of the darkness.  I don't want my kids to be touched by this, but they are.  That is when I feel like I am loosing this battle.  That is when I feel completely crushed.

When my darkest days turn into night and I am sad and crushed and broken, I reach out to the light.  I reach out to God.  Like tonight.  I sit here typing this well after midnight because I feel sad, broken and crushed in spirit.  I hate when my mental illness takes from my life and how it gets in the way of my relationship with my boyfriend.  I hate that it confuses my kids and I hate more than anything that it touches their life.  I feel so lost and sad.  

But there is this song....

You cry yourself to sleep, 

cause the hurt is real 

and the pain cuts deep, 

all hope seems lost, 

with heartache your closest friend 

and everyone else long gone 

You've had to face the music on your own

but there is a sweeter song that calls you home saying...

YOU'RE NOT ALONE FOR I AM HERE

LET ME WIPE AWAY YOUR EVERY TEAR

MY LOVE, I'VE NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE

I HAVE SEEN YOU THROUGH THE DARKEST NIGHT

AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S LOVED YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

ALL YOUR LIFE.

This song has got me through some of my toughest nights.  Tonight it is such a beacon to me.  As my boyfriend and three beautiful daughters sleep.  I sit in our living room, tears streaming down my face, listening to this song, trying to find His voice. Letting the music ease the pain in my heart, and allowing the tears rinse out the bad from the day.  

There are reasons for everything.  All that is going on around me brought me to this chair in the middle of night, to type these words, to cry these tears, to remind me of this song, to bring me back to the One who loves me.  

I hate the truth of it, but you truly do have to know darkness 

before you can appreciate the light. 

I know that I have many more blue sky days to come, just as I know I have many more dark days ahead.  My one comfort is that I do not face a single blue sky day, or dark day alone.  God is with me and even when I can't feel Him, I know deep down, He is with me.  He has never left my side.  He will protect my children.  He will watch over my family.  He is the root to my comfort.  

I end this blog with God's truth.  His love never fails.  Though I fail my God daily, He NEVER fails me.  That is God's truth, that is my Truth.  

Tomorrow will be a long day, but I know I do not face it alone.

Hang in there friends, and never ever forget to shine.

My How things Have Changed: I am a Mother

It has been over a year since I have posted a blog.  

So let's see the changes....

So, I have gained weight.  I have had to have my medication increased. My cat is now 4 years old.  I have learned that I cannot control everything in my life.  My boyfriend and I have celebrated two years of growing together.  And the most important change is learning how to be  a Mom.  

~A Step in That Direction~

Those who know me know that all I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother.  Ever since I was a little girl, that is what I have wanted to be.  The idyllic way of becoming such was overshadowed by the sheer need of a mother's heart to be a mom and three little girls who desperately wanted and needed a mother.  We have come a long way in the past two years.  We are just beginning to learn how to be a family.  Learning to trust one another.  That is hard.  Learning about each other has had its ups and downs.  It isn't easy to take 5 different people with their own ideas and mind sets and throw them all together.  I think we have come along fairly well in the past couple years.  

~My Love~

*Mikhael*

I have a deep and loving relationship with Mikhael, full of laughter and jokes and such ease. Being with him has always felt so natural.  He makes me think.  He makes me want to be a better woman, a better person, a free thinker.  He encourages me to make better choices for my life and to be open to change.  His love has given me wings to feel more at peace with myself and with who I am.  Though I still struggle deeply with my mental and emotional issues, he loves me through all of it and gives me a reason to smile every day.  His patience and understanding has been something that deeply moves me.  No one in my life has ever shown me that kind of abiding love.  We were first friends and that made such a difference for me.  No matter what is happening in my life I have my best friend at home and I can talk to him about anything.  If I just need a safe place to lay my head, he is there to offer his shoulder.  If I need advice, he has tons.  If I need a laugh, that well is never empty.  He supports me and sets me straight.  He doesn't boost my ego, he boosts my confidence. We have had a lot of ups and downs and I know that won't really change, that is life.  I am thankful that we stick together through everything and remember just how much we love each other.  His commitment to me is so cherished.

~My Daughters~

*Shakira* 

Now 14 and in high school.  The same high school in fact that I went to.  These seasons with her have been difficult and at times, heart wrenching.  The past couple years were her end times in Jr. High.  That has to be the start of the hardest years of a child's life.  She is trying to figure out who she is, what she wants to do with her life and who she wants to be.  The pressures of her peers have left her in agony so much over the past couple years.  I think I have yelled, cried and loved that girl as only a mom can.  Our relationship is what I like to believe, open and honest.  Though there are times I feel she is just trying to gain my favor.  I try to do my best to listen, understand and love her through whatever comes her way.  This has only been difficult in the sense that I never know if it is helping or hindering her growth.  If I were just "dad's girl friend," I would be her friend and that is it.  That isn't how it is, I have to be her mom first.  She and I are both struggling with that at times.  However, I believe that she sees more and more everyday that I love her and she is my daughter and I am not going anywhere.  This is a critical time in her life and I do not want her to ever feel she is going through this alone.  I don't think she truly understands how very much I love her.  

*Kahlan* 

Now 13 and in 7th grade.  The same middle school I went to.  She has grown so much the past couple years.  Though we have butt heads at times because we are both stubborn and emotional creatures, on a rainy cold day she is the first to cuddle under a blanket with me and watch tv.  Her heart is so big, though she tries to hide it under that tough false bravado.  There are times I want to scream at her, times I shake my head, and times I am so proud of her, I could burst.  She has the empathy that always got me in trouble at her age.  She wants to help others at the sacrifice of herself.  I tell her she is just as important as those she tries to help, if not more.  She still suffers for their heartache.  My job as her Mom is to love her and encourage her to love herself.  The past couple years have had their difficulties, but the beautiful moments with her precious heart has so many times soothed my own sad and tired heart.  She is quiet and withdrawn at times and I recognize that need for downtime and disconnection from the world.  I was the same way at home when I was her age.  I try to encourage her to both take the time she needs, but not lose sight of the importance of family time.  This one, she knows how much I love her, I think because of her empathy, she can feel it more easily than the others.

*Brenna* 

Now 12 and in 6th grade (again, same school I went to).  This artistic, funny and silly little girl is now in middle school.  I cannot believe how much she has grown!  She is taller than me already!  She loves it too.  She teases her sister mercilessly since she is not just taller than me, but all us girls in the house.  She loves to draw, paint, read and play games.  She has so much of her dad's imagination and so much of his heart as well.  They are two peas in a pod.  Now that she is entering these difficult years, I feel such a need to protect her innocence and her heart from the other kids around her.  Peer pressure is strong, but I am hoping her strength will stay in tact.  She has been a breath of fresh air when the winds of change has barraged at our door.  She is one of the first there to help if we need it and true to the youngest in a family, has learned a lot by what her sisters have gone through.  Maybe because I am the youngest in my family I identify with her in this way.  Perhaps, too, because she is the youngest I want her to stay that way as long as possible.  Too soon her sister will be grown and out of the house.  My little artist may leave the nest one day, but I am sure she won't fly too far away.  She knows her mommy loves her.

~In a Nut Shell~

Family is everything, and my family is my everything.  I am thankful for the changes I have had in my life.  Though some days I wonder how I will ever make it through a mind that seems hell bent on stealing my joy, and teenagers who try my patience, and a boyfriend who at times drives me crazy to the edge of reason, I still stop at the end of each day and thank God for each and every one of them.  I have waited my whole life for this.  I cannot get that song out of my head "I Could Not Ask For More" by Sara Evans.....

I found all I've waited for

...and I could not ask for more.

Thank you for being here to read my thoughts.  Always remember to smile and never forget to let yourself SHINE.