?Living? With a Mental Illness...

Am I living this life?

Anyone who has a mental illness knows that there are bouts of time that you are not living your life, you are surviving your life.  

The amount of effort it takes to get up in the morning alone can zap all your strength.  There are days you feel nothing you do is right and because you cannot think clearly or rationally at times, it makes you feel less than you should be.  

Sometimes I feel like I am one blow up away from losing everything I have and it terrifies me.  When I was younger I lost a lot, and a lot was taken from me.  For much of my adult life I shut myself away, terrified to let anyone in.  Terrified that if I did, they would leave eventually because I have Bipolar.  Anyone who has this illness or knows someone who has it knows it is a never ending battle.  

On good days I feel strong and hopeful that I can make it through this life just fine.  That I am not defined by my illness, but rather it makes me stronger.  I feel happy and loved and excited about my life.  Those are the days that I trust God to lead my life and do all I can to laugh and have fun....blue sky days...

On a bad day, I fight the darkest demons that tell me I don't deserve to live.  That I am holding my loved ones back.  That I am not worth the effort or the trouble that my melt downs cause.  That I am not worthy of the sacrifice it takes to be in my life.  I feel hopeless and sad and feel like giving up.  These are my dark days...

I try so hard to dig myself out of the darkness.  I don't want my kids to be touched by this, but they are.  That is when I feel like I am loosing this battle.  That is when I feel completely crushed.

When my darkest days turn into night and I am sad and crushed and broken, I reach out to the light.  I reach out to God.  Like tonight.  I sit here typing this well after midnight because I feel sad, broken and crushed in spirit.  I hate when my mental illness takes from my life and how it gets in the way of my relationship with my boyfriend.  I hate that it confuses my kids and I hate more than anything that it touches their life.  I feel so lost and sad.  

But there is this song....

You cry yourself to sleep, 

cause the hurt is real 

and the pain cuts deep, 

all hope seems lost, 

with heartache your closest friend 

and everyone else long gone 

You've had to face the music on your own

but there is a sweeter song that calls you home saying...

YOU'RE NOT ALONE FOR I AM HERE

LET ME WIPE AWAY YOUR EVERY TEAR

MY LOVE, I'VE NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE

I HAVE SEEN YOU THROUGH THE DARKEST NIGHT

AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S LOVED YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

ALL YOUR LIFE.

This song has got me through some of my toughest nights.  Tonight it is such a beacon to me.  As my boyfriend and three beautiful daughters sleep.  I sit in our living room, tears streaming down my face, listening to this song, trying to find His voice. Letting the music ease the pain in my heart, and allowing the tears rinse out the bad from the day.  

There are reasons for everything.  All that is going on around me brought me to this chair in the middle of night, to type these words, to cry these tears, to remind me of this song, to bring me back to the One who loves me.  

I hate the truth of it, but you truly do have to know darkness 

before you can appreciate the light. 

I know that I have many more blue sky days to come, just as I know I have many more dark days ahead.  My one comfort is that I do not face a single blue sky day, or dark day alone.  God is with me and even when I can't feel Him, I know deep down, He is with me.  He has never left my side.  He will protect my children.  He will watch over my family.  He is the root to my comfort.  

I end this blog with God's truth.  His love never fails.  Though I fail my God daily, He NEVER fails me.  That is God's truth, that is my Truth.  

Tomorrow will be a long day, but I know I do not face it alone.

Hang in there friends, and never ever forget to shine.