I keep her in my heart

My sister has been the black sheep of the family for as long as I can remember.  She has done some things that she is certainly not proud of, a lot of things!  She has hurt her family, her children, herself.  She continues to pay in very painful ways for all the wrongs that she cannot seem to make right.  She has apologized over and over again.  She continues to live in a world that is hard to understand.  In many eyes they think her weak; they think her selfish and self serving.  They don’t believe her apologies and some family members refuse to believe her even when she tells the truth.  This has gone on my whole life.  I spent a good part of my young adult hood very angry with my sister over the choices she made and the hurt she caused her children.  So much of my life I have spent in anger… What a waste of life! 

See my sister has Schizophrenia and Bi Polar.  She has been on medication for years.  She will be on medication her whole life.  They are constantly messing with the dosage and trying new things.  What a lot of people do not understand is that these mental issues are far bigger than the scope of our minds can comprehend.  They are not excuses why my sister has done the things she has done, they are not reasons she is who she is.  It is a fact that my sister is sick.  She will always be sick and she is not going to “get better.”  My heart grieves for what she has to endure, and what she continues to endure alone; because our family has this horrible way of shutting people out and not forgiving them.  I am not saying they do not have a right to be hurt and angry for what happened, but part of forgiveness is letting go of those things and continuing to love the person.  Forgiveness was explained to me as Jesus forgives.  The sleight is wiped clean; He loves as always, not a tarnish left.  I wish I could say I forgive like that, but I am human (that is my excuse).  However, I do believe in forgiveness in the biblical sense.

Matthew 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”

Once I accepted my sister’s illness.  Once I understood these things about her, I was able to not only forgive my sister but love her completely for who she is.  My sister has the most amazing heart!  She is so loving, forgiving and understanding.  She is not selfish at all.  Her illness and medication makes her suffer times of not wanting to leave her house, where she feels safe and comfortable.  She often times has to do what is best for her mentally because she cannot handle too much at once.  Life can get so overwhelming, now imagine on top of that having all the irrational fears of someone with schizophrenia!   One minute she seems perfectly fine, normal to the naked eye, then she is scared or sad…  We all go through these things daily but add bi polar to it….

Her reactions to life and her capacity to handle them are not like someone who does not suffer these illnesses.  Part of loving my sister is accepting these things.  What I am getting at is no matter how she reacts to life or life situations it does not change her heart…who she is.   

I am not here to air out our families dark secrets, or bash my sister.  I am not even here to make excuses for my sister.  She doesn’t need me to do that.  I am just here to explain that if you have someone in your life that suffers one or both of these illnesses, remember first and always:  They are not going to change.  They are NOT selfish. They are in a very real sense, sick.  But they are still people.  They are still your sister, brother, father, mother, uncle, aunt, niece or nephew.  Read up on these illnesses; understand what you are dealing with.  Accept that it is the illness that may change a lot about them, but it doesn’t change their heart.

 THE MORE YOU KNOW

Thank you for reading my blog, If you or someone you love has a mental illness you can get information at NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) by using the following link:

http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=about_mental_illness

God bless you all and remember to SHINE!

This is for my sister… 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~E Cummings