Ok, so
I'm projecting a bit. This is just my experience. Most of you
probably have your own stories of heart break; probably some have broken a
few hearts along the way as well. My point is we have mostly all been on the
giving or receiving end of a broken promise.
When
I started a relationship with my ex, I certainly never thought it would end the
way that it did. We made promises to
each other and while I did not break one of mine, he broke every promise he
made to me. I have never given my heart
to someone before. Opening myself up to
him was the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life. I have always kept myself pretty closed off
from people. It was not easy to deal
with the pain of the loss. I was broken,
confused and so sad.
So
how do you deal with something like this when before it was easier to pick up a
bottle of pills, booze, a cigarette, and food… your fall backs? How do you stay
healthy and still make it through the horrid pain that comes with a broken
heart? Well I will tell you what I
did. It wasn’t easy and it is still such
a blur! I still cannot believe I came
out of that! The depression alone was so
incapacitating that I wasn’t sure how I was able to move from the floor at
times! But move I did, every day. I
opened my eyes, I prayed, I got up, I prayed, I cried out to God and prayed
some more, I worshiped, I prayed, I walked, I prayed, I went to work, I prayed,
I walked and I walked and I walked and I kept to eating my normal foods in
great effort to not fall into the old habit of eating my feelings. And at the end of the day when my head hit
the pillow, I would cry some more and pray some more. My point?
I PRAYED.
God
never left me all those painful hours of trying to understand what happened,
trying to understand what went wrong, and how I could have trusted him so easily, how
could I be SO stupid! Oh, the endless
regrets of the end of a relationship. I
always had more questions than answers and still never quite felt whole. In order to move forward I had to
find myself, or my new self. I got a
tattoo and I got a cat. 
Neither of which
I ever thought I would do! These were things that helped me move forward, that
helped me find the light at the end of a painful tunnel that I felt was the
darkest I have ever faced. Because
losing my ex wasn’t just about losing him; it was about losing the part of me
that believed in true love, hopes, dreams…. I lost those things, but I did gain
much more. I gained strength in myself
that I never knew that I had. I found
that I could keep with my healthy lifestyle and still grieve. I could still keep moving when my body all
but gave out underneath me.
That
I do not stand alone, and that even though I don’t understand why these things
happened, I trust God to make me right.
To make my struggles mean something.
I have never loved so much, or been so hurt in my whole life. But I also never felt SO alive! Loving him doesn’t make me stupid, and it
doesn’t make me weak. If anything I was
brave. Brave to love someone and brave
to make it through the heartache of losing the life we had planned. I have no idea where my life is heading
now. I once was clear on where I was
going and what I wanted. Now, I have no
idea, but I know that I have handed over the wheel to the One who loves me and
He will make my life what it is supposed to be.
He will help me to keep myself healthy and strong inside and out. I am not alone. Neither
are you.
God’s plan for my life is so much bigger than I have planned for myself.
So
today’s blog is much different, but I wanted to share what I learned in my heartache
about God and myself in hopes that if any of you are facing something similar,
whatever your battle is, you are not alone either. There is still a way to make it through the
toughest heartache and the worst tragedies.
Because while losing what I have lost, I have gained more than I ever
thought possible. I gained myself.
Awesome Marci! And so very inspiring! !!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jules <3
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