The Chaos Inside Me

WHAT IS THIS

It is so hard to describe what you are going through to someone who has never experienced it.  This could be a myriad of different things; the loss of a parent, a child, a friend, a pet; an illness. People want to understand and they want to help but a lot of times they just can’t.  That is ok.  It is ok if they cannot understand what you are feeling.  It doesn’t make what you are going through anymore or any less difficult or hard.  They care to ask and to be there and that is enough. 

Dealing with a Mental Illness:

THE BATLE

I never thought I would ever say that I have a mental illness.  Even typing that out I want to erase and rephrase it.  I do not like categories or labels.  I am my own person with my own thoughts and feelings.  I never thought I would be lumped into a category, especially one that is attached to such stigmas, highly misunderstood and frightening! With this comes an unbearable amount of agony over not being able to help my friends and family understand what is happening to me or what I need.  A lot of times I don’t all the way understand it myself.  I feel this great need to protect everyone from me.  Like I need to keep away so that I do not hurt anyone or ask too much of anyone.  It is a terrible and vicious circle. 

Living so long with depression and suffering silently while it felt like I had such chaos inside of me has taken its toll.  My relationships and friendships have suffered over the years because of my inability to understand what is happening to me.  Now that I am starting to break through the darkness and clear my mind, I am faced with some frightening truths.  I am sick.  This is in every way a chronic illness.  It can be managed, but it will not go away.  What I am feeling is normal inside the realms of what this is.  I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to keep the serotonin levels where they need to be and to help with the chronic anxiety. 

THE BATTLE PLAN

I am on medication.  I hate it. Granted I just started it, but right now everything feels worse and on top of it I feel sick.  This is just the adjustment phase and I am assured that in time it will be so good for me.  I am truly trying to believe that.  I know that God would not have lead me here for nothing.  I have medication to help me sleep, and I have medication to help me control my serotonin levels and my anxiety.  I have a therapist.  I never thought I would ever go to a therapist.  I always said Jesus was my counselor.  I am not disregarding the years that Jesus has helped me through, because He has helped me through nights no one knows I have gone through.  He has helped me through every phase of this illness and I know that He sent me my therapist.  She is wonderful.  She listens to me!  Yes, I pay her, but she truly heard me.  She heard my cry for help and understood immediately what my fears were about taking medication. 

COMMUNI-WHAT

Now that I am on medication and seeing a therapist the work really begins.  I have lived in a world of books and movies and tv my whole life.  I hid inside of myself afraid of the chaos inside of me; afraid of dealing with some painful happenings in my past; afraid of people loving me; afraid of people not loving me; afraid of people leaving me.  My communication, while it has gotten better, needs a lot of work.  I need to work on perceptions and stop guessing how people will react or what they will say.  I need to learn to let people have their own feelings and make their own choices.  I never realized in not communicating I was putting barriers between me and the people I love by assuming how they felt about things. In my irrational mind I am not worth loving, I am not worth understanding and I am not worth fighting for.  So I may as well walk away and release them from having to be the bad guy.  Release myself from them disappointing me by doing it to myself.  I would tell myself it was easier this way.  I have faded in and out of my friend’s lives for years.  Never really understanding what I was doing or why I was doing it.  I never communicated with them what I was going through, so many have felt my choices were selfish.  I suppose in a way they were, but I wasn’t trying to be.  So these are lessons I have learned.  Being in therapy will help with all this.

NOW WHAT

Exactly.  Now what!?  I have no idea.  I am taking this day by day.  It is hard to explain to people that I do not feel good right now. Nothing feels right.  The side effects of the medication right now are painful and disturbing.  Add that to what I was feeling before and all I can say is I am in chaos.  In time I know that everything will start to feel better.  I know the medicine will help and all this pain and suffering I have been in for years will finally lead to much healing.  I am so thankful to God for always being with me.  Being alone is more difficult when you are feeling such chaos, but I have little reminders that He never leaves me.  By His stripes we are healed.  I will get through this...

 

 Thank you for reading my thoughts on what is happening in my life.  Remember to always trust the Lord to lead you and remember to enjoy the journey.  Never forget to SHINE!

Another Fight to Fight

There is no preparing for a scary diagnosis from your doctor.  I still remember how my world stood still when I was diagnosed with diabetes.  It scared me so bad, but somehow I rose above the fear and got better.  I nursed myself back to life and began to live for probably the first time in my life.  The next diagnosis was just as scary.  I was diagnosed with extreme depression and manic depression (Bipolar).  My doctor saw the warning signs of it when I was in my twenties and I was on medication, but I went off of them.  I have been struggling ever since. 

It is difficult to explain to people when I would get severely depressed or when I would be in a manic state.  Unless you go through such highs and lows, it is difficult to understand.  The severity of the lows is so much more than sadness.  For me, I also have Psychomotor Retardation depression.  Wiki describes this condition like this: 

“*(also known as "psychomotor impairment" or "motormental retardation") involves a slowing-down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. Psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions, including speech and affect. This is most-commonly seen in people with major depression and in the depressed phase of bipolar disorder.”

So the lows are real low and the highs are insane.  Can’t sleep, can’t eat, erratic behavior, paranoia, irrational fears, overspending, forgetfulness, the list goes on.  I have struggled my whole life with depression, but the other stuff, that is what has always scared me.  It is difficult to maintain healthy relationships with people when you feel like you literally cannot handle yourself or your life.  It makes living hard.  It makes everything hard.  Over the past few years I have slowly become sicker and sicker.  I have been literally spinning my wheels trying to do whatever I can to mask what I have been suffering; to plaster that smile on my face and keep moving.  There comes a time when no matter what you do you just cannot hide that fact that you are not ok. 

Therapy was a great start, but obviously not enough.  I am going to be working closely with my doctor and my therapist to make sure I find a medication that works for me.  I am told it will get better.  I am told that once I am on a medication that works for me I will begin to fell normal….. I don’t even know what normal feels like.  I have been faking it my whole life; pretending that I am not suffering inside.  Yes, I have been happy; I have had beautiful moments and peace in my heart.  But it is never for long.  I want to reverse this. I want to be able to deal with my past and live here and now and be hopeful for my future.  

I want to LIVE. 

I am so blessed to have the support of my friends and family.  Without them I could not make it.  I have tried to do this on my own for so many years.  I am going to have to let people help me.  I am going to have to let my people love me.  I am going to have to love myself.  While I am so afraid of how I have been feeling, and I am so afraid of the ups and downs of the medications, it just has to be better than suffering so deeply for so long in silence.  The weight of all this is too much.  I cannot take it anymore.  If I don’t fix this, I won’t make it. 

I know that God has put some very special people in my life to help me find my way in this darkness. From my friend who wouldn’t let me hide; friends who supported me from afar; my best friend for taking me to and from doctors appointments and therapy sessions when I could barley even function; family who let me open up and share what I have been suffering; to my coworker and boss who urge me to keep going everyday; to a wonderful Doctor who truly cares about me and a Therapist that saw through my mask, saw my pain and listened to my cry for help in the only way I knew how.  God paved the way through all of this to help me to get the help I need. 

I have a long road ahead of me.  I know that I will always have to fight, but my parents raised me to not only be strong but to be a survivor. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

I will keep moving, I will keep praying, I will keep fighting…. And you can bet I will keep shinning!

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychomotor_retardation