The Chaos Inside Me

WHAT IS THIS

It is so hard to describe what you are going through to someone who has never experienced it.  This could be a myriad of different things; the loss of a parent, a child, a friend, a pet; an illness. People want to understand and they want to help but a lot of times they just can’t.  That is ok.  It is ok if they cannot understand what you are feeling.  It doesn’t make what you are going through anymore or any less difficult or hard.  They care to ask and to be there and that is enough. 

Dealing with a Mental Illness:

THE BATLE

I never thought I would ever say that I have a mental illness.  Even typing that out I want to erase and rephrase it.  I do not like categories or labels.  I am my own person with my own thoughts and feelings.  I never thought I would be lumped into a category, especially one that is attached to such stigmas, highly misunderstood and frightening! With this comes an unbearable amount of agony over not being able to help my friends and family understand what is happening to me or what I need.  A lot of times I don’t all the way understand it myself.  I feel this great need to protect everyone from me.  Like I need to keep away so that I do not hurt anyone or ask too much of anyone.  It is a terrible and vicious circle. 

Living so long with depression and suffering silently while it felt like I had such chaos inside of me has taken its toll.  My relationships and friendships have suffered over the years because of my inability to understand what is happening to me.  Now that I am starting to break through the darkness and clear my mind, I am faced with some frightening truths.  I am sick.  This is in every way a chronic illness.  It can be managed, but it will not go away.  What I am feeling is normal inside the realms of what this is.  I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to keep the serotonin levels where they need to be and to help with the chronic anxiety. 

THE BATTLE PLAN

I am on medication.  I hate it. Granted I just started it, but right now everything feels worse and on top of it I feel sick.  This is just the adjustment phase and I am assured that in time it will be so good for me.  I am truly trying to believe that.  I know that God would not have lead me here for nothing.  I have medication to help me sleep, and I have medication to help me control my serotonin levels and my anxiety.  I have a therapist.  I never thought I would ever go to a therapist.  I always said Jesus was my counselor.  I am not disregarding the years that Jesus has helped me through, because He has helped me through nights no one knows I have gone through.  He has helped me through every phase of this illness and I know that He sent me my therapist.  She is wonderful.  She listens to me!  Yes, I pay her, but she truly heard me.  She heard my cry for help and understood immediately what my fears were about taking medication. 

COMMUNI-WHAT

Now that I am on medication and seeing a therapist the work really begins.  I have lived in a world of books and movies and tv my whole life.  I hid inside of myself afraid of the chaos inside of me; afraid of dealing with some painful happenings in my past; afraid of people loving me; afraid of people not loving me; afraid of people leaving me.  My communication, while it has gotten better, needs a lot of work.  I need to work on perceptions and stop guessing how people will react or what they will say.  I need to learn to let people have their own feelings and make their own choices.  I never realized in not communicating I was putting barriers between me and the people I love by assuming how they felt about things. In my irrational mind I am not worth loving, I am not worth understanding and I am not worth fighting for.  So I may as well walk away and release them from having to be the bad guy.  Release myself from them disappointing me by doing it to myself.  I would tell myself it was easier this way.  I have faded in and out of my friend’s lives for years.  Never really understanding what I was doing or why I was doing it.  I never communicated with them what I was going through, so many have felt my choices were selfish.  I suppose in a way they were, but I wasn’t trying to be.  So these are lessons I have learned.  Being in therapy will help with all this.

NOW WHAT

Exactly.  Now what!?  I have no idea.  I am taking this day by day.  It is hard to explain to people that I do not feel good right now. Nothing feels right.  The side effects of the medication right now are painful and disturbing.  Add that to what I was feeling before and all I can say is I am in chaos.  In time I know that everything will start to feel better.  I know the medicine will help and all this pain and suffering I have been in for years will finally lead to much healing.  I am so thankful to God for always being with me.  Being alone is more difficult when you are feeling such chaos, but I have little reminders that He never leaves me.  By His stripes we are healed.  I will get through this...

 

 Thank you for reading my thoughts on what is happening in my life.  Remember to always trust the Lord to lead you and remember to enjoy the journey.  Never forget to SHINE!