Monday, June 9, 2014

Another Fight to Fight

There is no preparing for a scary diagnosis from your doctor.  I still remember how my world stood still when I was diagnosed with diabetes.  It scared me so bad, but somehow I rose above the fear and got better.  I nursed myself back to life and began to live for probably the first time in my life.  The next diagnosis was just as scary.  I was diagnosed with extreme depression and manic depression (Bipolar).  My doctor saw the warning signs of it when I was in my twenties and I was on medication, but I went off of them.  I have been struggling ever since. 

It is difficult to explain to people when I would get severely depressed or when I would be in a manic state.  Unless you go through such highs and lows, it is difficult to understand.  The severity of the lows is so much more than sadness.  For me, I also have Psychomotor Retardation depression.  Wiki describes this condition like this: 

*(also known as "psychomotor impairment" or "motormental retardation") involves a slowing-down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. Psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions, including speech and affect. This is most-commonly seen in people with major depression and in the depressed phase of bipolar disorder.”

So the lows are real low and the highs are insane.  Can’t sleep, can’t eat, erratic behavior, paranoia, irrational fears, overspending, forgetfulness, the list goes on.  I have struggled my whole life with depression, but the other stuff, that is what has always scared me.  It is difficult to maintain healthy relationships with people when you feel like you literally cannot handle yourself or your life.  It makes living hard.  It makes everything hard.  Over the past few years I have slowly become sicker and sicker.  I have been literally spinning my wheels trying to do whatever I can to mask what I have been suffering; to plaster that smile on my face and keep moving.  There comes a time when no matter what you do you just cannot hide that fact that you are not ok. 

Therapy was a great start, but obviously not enough.  I am going to be working closely with my doctor and my therapist to make sure I find a medication that works for me.  I am told it will get better.  I am told that once I am on a medication that works for me I will begin to fell normal….. I don’t even know what normal feels like.  I have been faking it my whole life; pretending that I am not suffering inside.  Yes, I have been happy; I have had beautiful moments and peace in my heart.  But it is never for long.  I want to reverse this. I want to be able to deal with my past and live here and now and be hopeful for my future.  

I want to LIVE. 

I am so blessed to have the support of my friends and family.  Without them I could not make it.  I have tried to do this on my own for so many years.  I am going to have to let people help me.  I am going to have to let my people love me.  I am going to have to love myself.  While I am so afraid of how I have been feeling, and I am so afraid of the ups and downs of the medications, it just has to be better than suffering so deeply for so long in silence.  The weight of all this is too much.  I cannot take it anymore.  If I don’t fix this, I won’t make it. 

I know that God has put some very special people in my life to help me find my way in this darkness. From my friend who wouldn’t let me hide; friends who supported me from afar; my best friend for taking me to and from doctors appointments and therapy sessions when I could barley even function; family who let me open up and share what I have been suffering; to my coworker and boss who urge me to keep going everyday; to a wonderful Doctor who truly cares about me and a Therapist that saw through my mask, saw my pain and listened to my cry for help in the only way I knew how.  God paved the way through all of this to help me to get the help I need. 

I have a long road ahead of me.  I know that I will always have to fight, but my parents raised me to not only be strong but to be a survivor. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

I will keep moving, I will keep praying, I will keep fighting…. And you can bet I will keep shinning!


1 comment:

  1. I only know depression...not bipolar....but I do feel for you sweetness and I do pray for you daily. I love you kiddo <3

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