Those Freaky Mental Feelings...

Recovering Hermit or Hummingbird Foraging Along a Regular Route?

The word HERMIT can mean many things to many people.  A Hermit by definition means:

her·mit

ˈhərmət/

noun

1.      A person living in solitude as a religious discipline.

synonyms:		recluse, solitary, loner, ascetic, marabout, troglodyte; More

2.      a hummingbird found in the shady lower layers of tropical forests, foraging along a regular route.

Either way it means solitude or habit.  I lived alone, basically, for 10 years.  In that time I became a creature of habit.  After time, friends moved away and I would go to work, go for a walk and go home.  My life became an inevitable vortex of aloneness and habit.  At first I think it was a coping mechanism for being alone, then it became my retreat. I got used to being alone and started to love it.  I love my books, my shows, and my internet.  I got used to just seeing my boss, coworker and some clients each day.  Then I would put on my headphones and drown the world out and go for a walk, then go home to my cat.  This life worked for a long time.  I began to really make myself believe I was better off alone.  I still fall in that way of thinking at times. 

Ten months ago my friend and his 3 daughters moved in with me.  At first it was just my friend moving in and helping him with his kids and letting them get back on their feet.  After a while, I just fell in love with all of them and we started to become a family.  

It took a lot of months of feeling like I was going to come out of my skin I was so anxious all the time having my house a mess (it is a small condo), and having people around all the time.  It was difficult to explain to people who have never truly been alone to understand what a change this was for me.  On top of all this I have Bi Polar and an Extreme Anxiety Disorder.  I am on medication and I am thankful for that.  It helps a lot.  But, I still struggle, daily.  I have to constantly stop myself and breathe and take inventory of my feelings and emotions. 

Here I am again feeling like I am getting into a new routine.  I mostly just see my boyfriend and our girls every day.  I see my boss and coworker and some clients.  I got used to that as we were getting to know each other better and growing as a family, I got used to it just being us.  Now that we are more settled we see other people more often.  We spend a lot of time with my friends I have had since high school.  They are more family than friends.  However, going to visit them means more people around and inevitably other people flock over too.  We have found ourselves going to more BBQ’s and get togethers.  I love it, I do.  But, it drains me. 

This is where I feel so inadequate.

I found myself opening up to my boyfriend and telling him that I am embarrassed by how much I am drained by being around people.  It feels like everyone is around others and they have no problems, and here I am around people, even people I love, and I get so drained and weak I cannot even do anything the next day.  Talk about feeling inadequate! Even knowing why I feel that way does not make it better.  I feel like I fail my boyfriend and our kids every day.  If I don’t have everything lined up, and the house is a mess and bills are late, or anything comes along and throws a wrench in our plans, I get so disoriented and it makes me feel anxious and nervous.  I know I snap at them too much, I know that I make fun things more agitating.  It kills me.  This is when I slide into thinking it would be better if I were alone so that I didn’t burden them so much.  They themselves have been through so much.  All I can think of is they deserve so much better than me.   I try really hard not to let my thoughts go there. 

It is a constant battle.

Living with a mental illness is a very life disrupting disease.  You cannot take a pill and get over it.  You cannot just get better.  Each day holds something that just makes life more difficult than it has to be. Days turn into bad feelings and excuses… I am sorry I am extra tired today…. I am sorry I have a headache…. I am sorry I am just anxious…. I am sorry…..I am sorry….I am sorry….  It has to be too much.  They have to get sick of this….Your mind begins to eat itself, you lash out you hurt you anger the people around you, when you see yourself doing it you stop and feel ten times more guilty.  I get sick inside.  I hate doing this to the people that I love.  I hate they have to suffer through this with me.  My friends tell me that I deserve love and they love me that is why we work through this stuff.  But, I feel like I am not going to get better, so this isn’t something that is just going to pass by.  Eventually I am going to push the last straw and I will lose everything. 

I know fears have no place in a child of God.  I know that I have to stand against these thoughts and find a balance and be open with how I am feeling and get the help I need to continue moving in the direction of healthy living.  I need to get sleep, eat right, exercise and continue to love and nurture my relationships.  Every day is fight and I fight harder because of my mental illness.  I have to stop looking at it as something that debilitates me and make myself rise above it.  I may have these thoughts and feelings sometimes, but I am stronger than my illness. I am stronger than my worst day.  I FIGHT because I love me, and I love my boyfriend and our girls with all my heart.  I will fight for our family and if that isn’t enough, then at least I know that I did my best. 

I could not make it without God.  I could not get through this life without Him.  I am so thankful that he brought my boyfriend and his kids into my life.  That he shares his life and most precious treasures with me.  I am so thankful that he loves me and that he is so understanding and patient.  My boyfriend puts me in my place when I need it.  Even if I do not like it at the time, it is so appreciated.  It helps to balance me. 

Even though I fight my hermit tendencies, I keep trying and keep fighting every day to try harder and to do better and make better decisions.  I love my family and I am willing to do whatever it takes to continue moving through this life with them. 

I know God will be there to give me the strength I need to make it through my worst days and I know He is there celebrating each triumph. 

As I end this blog today, please know that no matter what you are facing today, whether it be a mental illness, a sickness, a death in your family, or a wrench that has been thrown into you plans, God is with you.  You are NOT alone.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through.  Just keep holding on and always remember to smile and never forget to let yourself SHINE.