I AM the Girl Who Lived

It was 12 years ago today that I almost ended my life.

I can honestly say I am so glad I didn't! While there have been many ups and downs, including the toughest couple of years of my whole life, God has gotten me through each day. I got down on my knees that night and begged for God to save me, and He did. That night and every night since, God has saved me over and over again. In all the battles I have learned who my true friends are and have learned so much about myself. Who I am, what I stand for, what is important to me, what is not important. 

I take my relationship with God very serious. No matter what has happened, I've always known deep I'm my heart that God loves me and that He is always with me. I've never truly stood alone. That night I gained so much more than my life, I gained a future.   God strengthened me in a way that stuck.  I didn’t want to give up on life that night; I just gave up on the people in my life that were running me down, and I gave up on my own self-loathing.  I hated myself!  It took me another 10 years to learn to love myself, and there are still times when I am pretty angry with ME.  I am hardest on myself because there is no one else around to be hard on me.  Sometimes, I can really make a mess of things.  But the Lord’s continued love and support continues to strengthen me and remind me that I am not alone, I am human and God has a plan for me. 

So as I sit back today and think about all I have been through, what I have seen, all God has blessed me with.  I can truly say that life is worth it.  Those pains that you can get to feeling…worthlessness…anger…hurt…self loathing…all these things are temporary feelings in a temporary world.  They are not worth losing a decade OR MORE of love, happiness and greatness.  If I had ended my life, I never would have seen my family healing….I never would have seen my great nieces and nephews be born…my godchildren… the marriage of my friends….healing friendships…. tasted love for the first time…

Like another blog I posted….life aint always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride!

I really am “the girl who lived.”

Keep on smiling loved ones.  The best is yet to come! Don't forget to SHINE!

*All photos were taken by me and edited.



Wannabe something better than me.

How many of you out there feel not enough?  I know I cannot be the only one!  There is nothing particularly special about me and I find myself on the side of a wannabe more than any specific category.  I am a wannabe country girl, I am a wannabe smart girl, I am a wannabe nerd, I am a wannabe singer, writer, mother…… So many things I wannabe but each day, but I am just me. 

What is the qualification for these certain groups that everyone gets categorized in?  Because maybe I may have more in one area than another, but I still always find myself wanting to be something else, something different, something special, unique….

I have always been a Gods girl.  Ever since I was a little girl and God reached out to me, I have been His.  That is the only one real thing that I know.  That is the only category that sustains me. 

The bible says:

“Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”   Romans 12:2

Maybe always looking to a worldly category is not allowing me to be who I am.  It is hard to take yourself out a world that is more tangible than your God.  However, even I have to admit that there are moments with the Lord that I feel Him more tangible than my own flesh.  Like now, I feel Him with me; urging me to reach out to others who feel lost in this dark world. 

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”  Psalm 19:105 (see song below)

God doesn’t let us be born in a dark world without putting a light on for us.  Eventually that light will carry us home.  Until then, I will search for Him…

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33

God has always been my provider…He provides me with everything that I need.  Love, patience, understanding, kindness, food, shelter, strength…. I have had to rely on God my whole life.  Because no matter how much the people in your world love you, they will always let you down, they will always have to think of themselves and their family above you….we all are that way.  God provides where we lack and He supplies what we need.  Sometimes we feel we need some things but God knows best.  Even when it doesn’t feel that way, you can be sure He always does what is best for you.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:11-13

“He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91:4

No matter what I say or how much I believe I will always be a wannabe.  I think that it comes from a place inside me that feels not enough.  I want always to be more than I am.  Love more, care more, understand more… a heart that loves more, breaks more… a person who cares more, gets hurt more….the person who understands more forgives more…. Maybe I am more those things than I realize.  Maybe one day I will feel more myself when I stand before my Father and finally go home.  Until then I will keep trying.  I will keep praying for a better tomorrow for me and the people I love. 

I may be a wannabe many things, but I will ALWAYS be Gods girl.

God bless you all, remember to SHINE!

Thy Word
By Amy Grant

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way.
Still, You're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus be my guide,
And hold me to Your side,
And I will love you to the end.

Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
And a light unto my path.
You're the light unto my path.

Life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride...

I would never try to imagine what another soul has had to endure on this earth.  Everyone’s story is their own.  Everyone has had their heartbreak, their brokenness, their goodness and some can even see the beauty at the end of all of it. 

What is that old saying... 

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.  If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” Unknown

I believe that to be true. Oh, sure, I have been in dark places and thought that was a load of crap.  But at the end of every struggle God has ever brought me through, I know God has been on the other side reminding me that life can be beautiful. 

I think the best example I ever heard about God’s love for us was what Clark Davis says in the movie Love Comes Softly, he said:

“Missy could fall down and hurt herself, even if I'm walking right there beside her. That doesn't mean that I allowed it to happen. She knows, as far as unconditional love, I'll pick her up and I'll carry her. I'll try to heal her. I'll cry when she cries. And I'll rejoice when she is well. In all the moments of my life, God has been right there beside me. The truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen. It's His promise that he'll be there with us when they do.”

That is just it, isn’t it?  Life happens! It is a series of unfortunate events all leading back to that damn snake in the Garden of Eden. God gave us free will and apart from it there can be no love.  So while we suffer everyone’s free will to make their own decisions, we must trust that God will be with us through everything.  That the love that He has for us and us for Him will be enough to get us through each tragedy that consumes us. Think about it for a minute… That time you fell and broke your arm… He was with you….your family member left this world suddenly…He was with you…your brother, sister, uncle, aunt, mother, father did drugs and hurt your family over and over again….God was with you…that time that family member touched you wrong…God was with you…your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband, betrayed you, left you…God was with you…

“..all the moments of my life, God has been right there beside me…”

I believe that with my whole heart.  God has been my one true constant.  He reminds me everyday why life isn’t always beautiful the journey is, and why we need to continue to love one another; how important it is to LOVE. 

Life ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride…

I love that song by Gary Allen (see the lyrics at the bottom).  He also sings another song that I love where he says

“Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns ’cause we all have thorns” (Every Storm runs out of rain)

… his music is beautiful.  He reminds us to take a chance, keep loving and keep moving forward….

I know a lot of you have been through so much and you are feeling plain tired and worn out.

Life can break your heart.  My friend wrote this the other day as a status update on Facebook.  It really hit home for me.  It is a struggle I think a lot of us face.  She said it so perfectly I asked if I could post it in my blog.  She was kind enough to let me.

“Don't ever believe you know someone completely, because one day you may find out you didn't really know them at all. And don't ever think you can't possibly be hurt worse than you've been hurt by someone you love, because one day you may find out you can. Nothing is ever a sure thing except one thing. And that's God's love for you. No matter how bad the pain is, or how broken you are, God is waiting there to rescue you. All you have to do is trust Him and cry out to Him to rescue you. God hears the prayers of the brokenhearted.” Sue Smith

When my boyfriend broke up with me suddenly out of nowhere, I was right there in those words.  I never thought he would ever do what he did.  I thought I would never hurt more than I did in those days as God worked with me through my healing.  In all my brokenness God was there.  He was right there with me and I know He heard each cry of my heart, wiped each tear and held me each moment of the day I felt I couldn’t go on.  The one constant was His voice in my head that said He loved me and He would NEVER leave me.  That no matter who came in and out of my life He was the One true constant. 

In time I came to appreciate more and more the pain I suffered because it brought me even closer to God.  There is no comfort in the world like the comfort the Lord provides.  Because of His comfort I can comfort others; I know this because of the people God brought into my life every time tragedy would strike. He always brought the right people at the right time and His comfort would pour over me like living water.  It makes me want to reach out and comfort others suffering.  I want to ease their pain, because I know how much it hurts.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

Never under estimate the love God has for you.  No matter what you are facing today, God is right there with you.  He will heal you, He will cry when you cry and He will rejoice when you are well….

...life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride...

God bless you dear ones and remember to SHINE!

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the dayBut the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time
[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

BibleGateway.com

http://www.garyallan.com

Are you Grieving?

Jesus wept.  John 11:35

The shortest sentence in the bible.  And yet it carries SO much emotion.  In this chapter we find Jesus stopped and told that his friend had died.  Now this is Jesus we are talking about, King of Kings and Lord of Lords!  He knew God, He knew He would too go to Lazarus and raise him from the dead.  And yet, still, Jesus wept.  He felt grief, pain. 

Say it with me, "Jesus wept."

Ouch.  Our precious Jesus even knowing the Truth wept.  I don't think it had anything to do with Jesus not believing the Truth.  I think it had to do with the pain of that person being lost in that moment.  I know when Joe died I felt like my hearts light went around the world searching for his soul, but my spirit couldn't detect him because he was gone.  That was the moment that the grief hit me the hardest.  Could that be what Jesus felt as well?  That moment in which you are not reasoning the Truth, just feeling that loss? 

Then when you are grieving, don't you think the best person to go to with that pain, is Jesus!?  He is the one who knows the very Truth that we hold onto.  So then, since He was on this earth, felt that pain and wept.  I think He may understand that terrible pain that comes when a loved one dies. 

Give your heart and soul and pains to Jesus. 

This song always comforts me when I am missing Joe, and it also reminds me to go rest in Jesus for a while...

Valley Song
By: Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Yeah

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia

Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy

I keep her in my heart

My sister has been the black sheep of the family for as long as I can remember.  She has done some things that she is certainly not proud of, a lot of things!  She has hurt her family, her children, herself.  She continues to pay in very painful ways for all the wrongs that she cannot seem to make right.  She has apologized over and over again.  She continues to live in a world that is hard to understand.  In many eyes they think her weak; they think her selfish and self serving.  They don’t believe her apologies and some family members refuse to believe her even when she tells the truth.  This has gone on my whole life.  I spent a good part of my young adult hood very angry with my sister over the choices she made and the hurt she caused her children.  So much of my life I have spent in anger… What a waste of life! 

See my sister has Schizophrenia and Bi Polar.  She has been on medication for years.  She will be on medication her whole life.  They are constantly messing with the dosage and trying new things.  What a lot of people do not understand is that these mental issues are far bigger than the scope of our minds can comprehend.  They are not excuses why my sister has done the things she has done, they are not reasons she is who she is.  It is a fact that my sister is sick.  She will always be sick and she is not going to “get better.”  My heart grieves for what she has to endure, and what she continues to endure alone; because our family has this horrible way of shutting people out and not forgiving them.  I am not saying they do not have a right to be hurt and angry for what happened, but part of forgiveness is letting go of those things and continuing to love the person.  Forgiveness was explained to me as Jesus forgives.  The sleight is wiped clean; He loves as always, not a tarnish left.  I wish I could say I forgive like that, but I am human (that is my excuse).  However, I do believe in forgiveness in the biblical sense.

Matthew 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”

Once I accepted my sister’s illness.  Once I understood these things about her, I was able to not only forgive my sister but love her completely for who she is.  My sister has the most amazing heart!  She is so loving, forgiving and understanding.  She is not selfish at all.  Her illness and medication makes her suffer times of not wanting to leave her house, where she feels safe and comfortable.  She often times has to do what is best for her mentally because she cannot handle too much at once.  Life can get so overwhelming, now imagine on top of that having all the irrational fears of someone with schizophrenia!   One minute she seems perfectly fine, normal to the naked eye, then she is scared or sad…  We all go through these things daily but add bi polar to it….

Her reactions to life and her capacity to handle them are not like someone who does not suffer these illnesses.  Part of loving my sister is accepting these things.  What I am getting at is no matter how she reacts to life or life situations it does not change her heart…who she is.   

I am not here to air out our families dark secrets, or bash my sister.  I am not even here to make excuses for my sister.  She doesn’t need me to do that.  I am just here to explain that if you have someone in your life that suffers one or both of these illnesses, remember first and always:  They are not going to change.  They are NOT selfish. They are in a very real sense, sick.  But they are still people.  They are still your sister, brother, father, mother, uncle, aunt, niece or nephew.  Read up on these illnesses; understand what you are dealing with.  Accept that it is the illness that may change a lot about them, but it doesn’t change their heart.

 THE MORE YOU KNOW

Thank you for reading my blog, If you or someone you love has a mental illness you can get information at NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) by using the following link:

http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=about_mental_illness

God bless you all and remember to SHINE!

This is for my sister… 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~E Cummings

Contrast

Without anger there can be no forgiveness.  Without sadness there can be no joy. Without pain there can be no healing.  Sometimes hate is even followed by love.  Through the other side of hurt, the good stuff always comes at a cost, but is always worth it.

I hate change, but I know how to embrace it. 

I hate pain, but I always know the healing will be beautiful.

Contrast

I have always loved it.  Even in the middle of the most painful times of my life I have had a shadow of excitement and wonder as to how it is going to work out.  I always know that on the other side I will come out a stronger, better me.  I never face anything truly alone.  Though a lot of times I may choose to handle these things on my “own,” I am NEVER without God.  All the times of my life I know God has been right there beside me.  He cries when I cry, and he is happy when I am happy.  He loves me when I’m silly and He loves me when I am sad. 

LOVE

Love is a powerful thing.  Someone once said, “love is infinite you can always make room for more.”  I believe that with my whole heart.  Just when you think you cannot love someone any more than you already do, a little bit more spills out.  When you have your circle of people around you and then one new person comes around, boom, you find a little more love to stretch around them.  I like to think of my love as a blanket.  I have to be careful of it, though.  A blanket feels good when you are cold, but if you use it too long you can get warm and even worse if you put it over your head, you can suffocate!  Love is a powerful beautiful thing.  It can also be scary as hell!  When you love someone you become vulnerable to them.  They have the power to hurt you.  A lot of times, they do.  More times than not, it isn’t intentional.  Opening yourself up to love is painful, but it is also the most fulfilling and wonderful feeling ever.  There is an acceptance in love that you cannot find anywhere else.  We all crave it.  We all want it desperately.  But a lot of us fight it.  In my last blog I posted this quote: 

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

How true is that.  When I look back on my life, even as much as I have loved, I have created barriers in my life to keep me from it.  Because I know there is vulnerability in love and that can be devastating.  I have felt the cold side of it too many times in my life… many of us have. 

So what makes us keep loving?

God.  God created us in love for love to love and to be loved. 

“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7

It was His love for us that teaches us the true sacrifice of love; the true meaning of love and the beauty of it. 

Beauty from ashes…. the biblical

You never realize going through grief or pain that at the end, His beauty will shine out.  Since God is love we must understand that this life hurts and takes, but God heals and restores.  His promises to us are endless…

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.”  Isaiah 61:3

“So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22

We are bound by grace and His love is merciful…His love endures forever….

This bible verse, as you will notice, is the true reason for my “blogs.”  When I went through my break up with my ex, I was surrounded by so many lies; I didn’t know the truth anymore.  I didn’t trust anyone or anything.  The only One I trusted was God, but I sure didn’t trust myself to hear His voice!  I was truly lost.  But this verse was my saving grace.  It helped to restore me, to find the truth in God, in life and in love….

“Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my savior, and my hope is in You all day long.”  Psalm 25:4-5

That verse means so much to me.  I would whisper night and day “Lord, lead me by YOUR truth.”  I needed to find His voice again, because losing a guy was hard, and sad, but losing my faith in myself and losing my trust in hearing the Lord, that is unacceptable.  That became my fight.  To find His voice inside of me again and distinguish the difference between what I wanted to hear, and what He was really saying to me.

I don’t always know for sure if I have heard Him until it is fulfilled by verse. By verse, I mean the bible.  The answers are truly there, if we listen to Him and not to what we want to hear.  God’s voice isn’t always loud, but when you hear His truth, it thunders!

Today I pray for all who read this, even if only very few, that God would speak to your heart in a way that would move you.  Move your feet into the path He has for you.  Move your heart to a place of peace within His arms and move your mouth to express to Him how much He means to you.  Because we can know for sure that His love for us is limitless and endless. 

God bless you friends and remember to SHINE!

 

The road to hell was paved with good intentions...

I believe that most promises we make to people we love, we mean to keep in the moment we make them.  However, I also believe that you should not make promises in the heat of the moment.  We have all been there, caught in the rapture of a first love.  You think "I will never love anyone like I love this person." Then they leave you and you are left broken picking up the pieces of a broken heart and remembering all the broken promises…  

 

 ~My experience~ 

Ok, so I'm projecting a bit.  This is just my experience.  Most of you probably have your own stories of heart break; probably some have broken a few hearts along the way as well. My point is we have mostly all been on the giving or receiving end of a broken promise.    

When I started a relationship with my ex, I certainly never thought it would end the way that it did.  We made promises to each other and while I did not break one of mine, he broke every promise he made to me.  I have never given my heart to someone before.  Opening myself up to him was the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life.  I have always kept myself pretty closed off from people.  It was not easy to deal with the pain of the loss.  I was broken, confused and so sad. 

 ~How do you deal? ~ 

So how do you deal with something like this when before it was easier to pick up a bottle of pills, booze, a cigarette, and food… your fall backs? How do you stay healthy and still make it through the horrid pain that comes with a broken heart?  Well I will tell you what I did.  It wasn’t easy and it is still such a blur!  I still cannot believe I came out of that!  The depression alone was so incapacitating that I wasn’t sure how I was able to move from the floor at times! But move I did, every day.  I opened my eyes, I prayed, I got up, I prayed, I cried out to God and prayed some more, I worshiped, I prayed, I walked, I prayed, I went to work, I prayed, I walked and I walked and I walked and I kept to eating my normal foods in great effort to not fall into the old habit of eating my feelings.   And at the end of the day when my head hit the pillow, I would cry some more and pray some more. My point? 

I PRAYED. 

 

 

 ~Beauty from ashes~

God never left me all those painful hours of trying to understand what happened, trying to understand what went wrong, and how I could have trusted him so easily, how could I be SO stupid!  Oh, the endless regrets of the end of a relationship.  I always had more questions than answers and still never quite felt whole.  In order to move forward I had to find myself, or my new self.  I got a tattoo and I got a cat. 

 

Neither of which I ever thought I would do! These were things that helped me move forward, that helped me find the light at the end of a painful tunnel that I felt was the darkest I have ever faced.  Because losing my ex wasn’t just about losing him; it was about losing the part of me that believed in true love, hopes, dreams…. I lost those things, but I did gain much more.  I gained strength in myself that I never knew that I had.  I found that I could keep with my healthy lifestyle and still grieve.  I could still keep moving when my body all but gave out underneath me. 

 I learned that I am stronger than the afflictions of this world.   

That I do not stand alone, and that even though I don’t understand why these things happened, I trust God to make me right.  To make my struggles mean something.  I have never loved so much, or been so hurt in my whole life.  But I also never felt SO alive!  Loving him doesn’t make me stupid, and it doesn’t make me weak.  If anything I was brave.  Brave to love someone and brave to make it through the heartache of losing the life we had planned.  I have no idea where my life is heading now.  I once was clear on where I was going and what I wanted.  Now, I have no idea, but I know that I have handed over the wheel to the One who loves me and He will make my life what it is supposed to be.  He will help me to keep myself healthy and strong inside and out.  I am not alone. Neither are you.

 

God’s plan for my life is so much bigger than I have planned for myself.

So today’s blog is much different, but I wanted to share what I learned in my heartache about God and myself in hopes that if any of you are facing something similar, whatever your battle is, you are not alone either.  There is still a way to make it through the toughest heartache and the worst tragedies.  Because while losing what I have lost, I have gained more than I ever thought possible.  I gained myself.

 

 “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  Rumi

 

P.S. Don't forget to SHINE.