The Chaos Inside Me

WHAT IS THIS

It is so hard to describe what you are going through to someone who has never experienced it.  This could be a myriad of different things; the loss of a parent, a child, a friend, a pet; an illness. People want to understand and they want to help but a lot of times they just can’t.  That is ok.  It is ok if they cannot understand what you are feeling.  It doesn’t make what you are going through anymore or any less difficult or hard.  They care to ask and to be there and that is enough. 

Dealing with a Mental Illness:

THE BATLE

I never thought I would ever say that I have a mental illness.  Even typing that out I want to erase and rephrase it.  I do not like categories or labels.  I am my own person with my own thoughts and feelings.  I never thought I would be lumped into a category, especially one that is attached to such stigmas, highly misunderstood and frightening! With this comes an unbearable amount of agony over not being able to help my friends and family understand what is happening to me or what I need.  A lot of times I don’t all the way understand it myself.  I feel this great need to protect everyone from me.  Like I need to keep away so that I do not hurt anyone or ask too much of anyone.  It is a terrible and vicious circle. 

Living so long with depression and suffering silently while it felt like I had such chaos inside of me has taken its toll.  My relationships and friendships have suffered over the years because of my inability to understand what is happening to me.  Now that I am starting to break through the darkness and clear my mind, I am faced with some frightening truths.  I am sick.  This is in every way a chronic illness.  It can be managed, but it will not go away.  What I am feeling is normal inside the realms of what this is.  I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to keep the serotonin levels where they need to be and to help with the chronic anxiety. 

THE BATTLE PLAN

I am on medication.  I hate it. Granted I just started it, but right now everything feels worse and on top of it I feel sick.  This is just the adjustment phase and I am assured that in time it will be so good for me.  I am truly trying to believe that.  I know that God would not have lead me here for nothing.  I have medication to help me sleep, and I have medication to help me control my serotonin levels and my anxiety.  I have a therapist.  I never thought I would ever go to a therapist.  I always said Jesus was my counselor.  I am not disregarding the years that Jesus has helped me through, because He has helped me through nights no one knows I have gone through.  He has helped me through every phase of this illness and I know that He sent me my therapist.  She is wonderful.  She listens to me!  Yes, I pay her, but she truly heard me.  She heard my cry for help and understood immediately what my fears were about taking medication. 

COMMUNI-WHAT

Now that I am on medication and seeing a therapist the work really begins.  I have lived in a world of books and movies and tv my whole life.  I hid inside of myself afraid of the chaos inside of me; afraid of dealing with some painful happenings in my past; afraid of people loving me; afraid of people not loving me; afraid of people leaving me.  My communication, while it has gotten better, needs a lot of work.  I need to work on perceptions and stop guessing how people will react or what they will say.  I need to learn to let people have their own feelings and make their own choices.  I never realized in not communicating I was putting barriers between me and the people I love by assuming how they felt about things. In my irrational mind I am not worth loving, I am not worth understanding and I am not worth fighting for.  So I may as well walk away and release them from having to be the bad guy.  Release myself from them disappointing me by doing it to myself.  I would tell myself it was easier this way.  I have faded in and out of my friend’s lives for years.  Never really understanding what I was doing or why I was doing it.  I never communicated with them what I was going through, so many have felt my choices were selfish.  I suppose in a way they were, but I wasn’t trying to be.  So these are lessons I have learned.  Being in therapy will help with all this.

NOW WHAT

Exactly.  Now what!?  I have no idea.  I am taking this day by day.  It is hard to explain to people that I do not feel good right now. Nothing feels right.  The side effects of the medication right now are painful and disturbing.  Add that to what I was feeling before and all I can say is I am in chaos.  In time I know that everything will start to feel better.  I know the medicine will help and all this pain and suffering I have been in for years will finally lead to much healing.  I am so thankful to God for always being with me.  Being alone is more difficult when you are feeling such chaos, but I have little reminders that He never leaves me.  By His stripes we are healed.  I will get through this...

 

 Thank you for reading my thoughts on what is happening in my life.  Remember to always trust the Lord to lead you and remember to enjoy the journey.  Never forget to SHINE!

Another Fight to Fight

There is no preparing for a scary diagnosis from your doctor.  I still remember how my world stood still when I was diagnosed with diabetes.  It scared me so bad, but somehow I rose above the fear and got better.  I nursed myself back to life and began to live for probably the first time in my life.  The next diagnosis was just as scary.  I was diagnosed with extreme depression and manic depression (Bipolar).  My doctor saw the warning signs of it when I was in my twenties and I was on medication, but I went off of them.  I have been struggling ever since. 

It is difficult to explain to people when I would get severely depressed or when I would be in a manic state.  Unless you go through such highs and lows, it is difficult to understand.  The severity of the lows is so much more than sadness.  For me, I also have Psychomotor Retardation depression.  Wiki describes this condition like this: 

“*(also known as "psychomotor impairment" or "motormental retardation") involves a slowing-down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. Psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions, including speech and affect. This is most-commonly seen in people with major depression and in the depressed phase of bipolar disorder.”

So the lows are real low and the highs are insane.  Can’t sleep, can’t eat, erratic behavior, paranoia, irrational fears, overspending, forgetfulness, the list goes on.  I have struggled my whole life with depression, but the other stuff, that is what has always scared me.  It is difficult to maintain healthy relationships with people when you feel like you literally cannot handle yourself or your life.  It makes living hard.  It makes everything hard.  Over the past few years I have slowly become sicker and sicker.  I have been literally spinning my wheels trying to do whatever I can to mask what I have been suffering; to plaster that smile on my face and keep moving.  There comes a time when no matter what you do you just cannot hide that fact that you are not ok. 

Therapy was a great start, but obviously not enough.  I am going to be working closely with my doctor and my therapist to make sure I find a medication that works for me.  I am told it will get better.  I am told that once I am on a medication that works for me I will begin to fell normal….. I don’t even know what normal feels like.  I have been faking it my whole life; pretending that I am not suffering inside.  Yes, I have been happy; I have had beautiful moments and peace in my heart.  But it is never for long.  I want to reverse this. I want to be able to deal with my past and live here and now and be hopeful for my future.  

I want to LIVE. 

I am so blessed to have the support of my friends and family.  Without them I could not make it.  I have tried to do this on my own for so many years.  I am going to have to let people help me.  I am going to have to let my people love me.  I am going to have to love myself.  While I am so afraid of how I have been feeling, and I am so afraid of the ups and downs of the medications, it just has to be better than suffering so deeply for so long in silence.  The weight of all this is too much.  I cannot take it anymore.  If I don’t fix this, I won’t make it. 

I know that God has put some very special people in my life to help me find my way in this darkness. From my friend who wouldn’t let me hide; friends who supported me from afar; my best friend for taking me to and from doctors appointments and therapy sessions when I could barley even function; family who let me open up and share what I have been suffering; to my coworker and boss who urge me to keep going everyday; to a wonderful Doctor who truly cares about me and a Therapist that saw through my mask, saw my pain and listened to my cry for help in the only way I knew how.  God paved the way through all of this to help me to get the help I need. 

I have a long road ahead of me.  I know that I will always have to fight, but my parents raised me to not only be strong but to be a survivor. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

I will keep moving, I will keep praying, I will keep fighting…. And you can bet I will keep shinning!

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychomotor_retardation

A Faith Not Shaken

~Faith~

I was reading a question in my devotions this morning.  It was talking about works-based faith and faith-based works.  There is such a difference.  I think of all the times in my life when I have seen God’s hand of mercy in my friend’s lives.  Watching their lives come together and watching all the good happening and thinking if “I” work hard at having faith I can have that too.  It took my whole life, all the pain, suffering and wrong roads to finally get me to the place where I am today. Knowing that it is not in “me” that God does anything, it is in “Him.” We do not have faith to prove to God we are ready for what He has for us.  We go through our own seasons, our own shacks and allow Him to guide us and learn our own lessons.  We have our own relationship with God and learn to hear Him in our own way.  When we get to that place where we learn to have faith not in our situation or by our own acts, or even in people, we learn that our faith is truly in the Lord.  That no matter what the situation and no matter what is happening, we have to trust the Lord’s will to be done.  Knowing that He truly does act in our best interest.  He replenishes, blocks, protects, guards, and restores our hearts.  We have to have an inner faith that says “you know what God, this is what I want, but if you don’t want that in my life, I trust you to remove it and replace it with what you feel is best for me.”  That is when you have found true faith.

 

"where they strengthened the believers. They encouraged them to continue in the faith, reminding them that we must suffer many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God.” Acts 14:22

 

We must remember that true faith is knowing that God is with us and taking those steps that sometimes feel impossible, knowing His hand is in it and He will bring around His acts in and through us.  We do not come by this naturally of course it is taught to us through the countless times God has been there to pick up the broken pieces.  All the times that He faithfully stayed by our sides when we ran off in all kinds of crazy directions trying to find our own way.  It can be in just a moment realizing that is where you are at, but it takes our whole lives to learn to live in that state of faith.  Where the world shakes around us; God stands within us.  That is having the faith that does not shake us. 

 

“Therefore, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: "Look! I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem, a firm and tested stone. It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on. Whoever believes need never be shaken.” Isaiah 28:16

I have said this before, but I am a Peter.  I tend to believe when I see and then lose faith as I walk across the water.  Going through what I have in my life, I have learned a different kind of faith.  Maybe a true faith?  That it is not in our own faith that takes us out on that water, it is His love for us, His determination to be with us, to show us His true heart. To trust that He is with us no matter what and even if we fall, He will catch us.  You don’t have to start walking and have faith you will make it towards what you want, you start walking knowing that no matter what God will take care of you.  If this is His will, He will guide your path and get you to your destination.  If there is another way, another path, trust that He will show you, guide you.  If you make mistakes along the way, fall and get hurt, He will be there to pick you up and heal you.  He will even provide a new way to help you get started again. 

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

God has a way of leading me right where I need to be.  I sure do make a mess of things and allow myself to get all twisted up.  But God is always there to unravel me.  To pick me up and love me through it.  He helps me to remember that His grace is sufficient.  He is more than enough for me.  His love will help me to be the woman He is calling me.  I have faith in that.  I know that when I pray this scripture, He is guiding me by His truth and He teaches me.  He is my everything and my hope is in Him alone. 

 

“Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your TRUTH and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long.”  Pslam 25:4-5

 

I know I will not always feel this strong in where my life is going, but I pray that God would always remind me that He taught me how to get here, now I need to trust that He will always get me back here. 

 

This is my prayer for you reading this:  (Ephesians 1:15-23)

 

 15For this reason I too, having heard of the faith in the Lord Jesus which exists among you and your love for all the saints, 16do not cease giving thanks for you, while making mention of you in my prayers; 17that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. 18I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might 20which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, 21far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church, 23which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all. 

 

AMEN

 

Remember to love God, love yourself and always, always, always, remember to SHINE on!

I AM the Girl Who Lived

It was 12 years ago today that I almost ended my life.

I can honestly say I am so glad I didn't! While there have been many ups and downs, including the toughest couple of years of my whole life, God has gotten me through each day. I got down on my knees that night and begged for God to save me, and He did. That night and every night since, God has saved me over and over again. In all the battles I have learned who my true friends are and have learned so much about myself. Who I am, what I stand for, what is important to me, what is not important. 

I take my relationship with God very serious. No matter what has happened, I've always known deep I'm my heart that God loves me and that He is always with me. I've never truly stood alone. That night I gained so much more than my life, I gained a future.   God strengthened me in a way that stuck.  I didn’t want to give up on life that night; I just gave up on the people in my life that were running me down, and I gave up on my own self-loathing.  I hated myself!  It took me another 10 years to learn to love myself, and there are still times when I am pretty angry with ME.  I am hardest on myself because there is no one else around to be hard on me.  Sometimes, I can really make a mess of things.  But the Lord’s continued love and support continues to strengthen me and remind me that I am not alone, I am human and God has a plan for me. 

So as I sit back today and think about all I have been through, what I have seen, all God has blessed me with.  I can truly say that life is worth it.  Those pains that you can get to feeling…worthlessness…anger…hurt…self loathing…all these things are temporary feelings in a temporary world.  They are not worth losing a decade OR MORE of love, happiness and greatness.  If I had ended my life, I never would have seen my family healing….I never would have seen my great nieces and nephews be born…my godchildren… the marriage of my friends….healing friendships…. tasted love for the first time…

Like another blog I posted….life aint always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride!

I really am “the girl who lived.”

Keep on smiling loved ones.  The best is yet to come! Don't forget to SHINE!

*All photos were taken by me and edited.



Wannabe something better than me.

How many of you out there feel not enough?  I know I cannot be the only one!  There is nothing particularly special about me and I find myself on the side of a wannabe more than any specific category.  I am a wannabe country girl, I am a wannabe smart girl, I am a wannabe nerd, I am a wannabe singer, writer, mother…… So many things I wannabe but each day, but I am just me. 

What is the qualification for these certain groups that everyone gets categorized in?  Because maybe I may have more in one area than another, but I still always find myself wanting to be something else, something different, something special, unique….

I have always been a Gods girl.  Ever since I was a little girl and God reached out to me, I have been His.  That is the only one real thing that I know.  That is the only category that sustains me. 

The bible says:

“Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”   Romans 12:2

Maybe always looking to a worldly category is not allowing me to be who I am.  It is hard to take yourself out a world that is more tangible than your God.  However, even I have to admit that there are moments with the Lord that I feel Him more tangible than my own flesh.  Like now, I feel Him with me; urging me to reach out to others who feel lost in this dark world. 

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”  Psalm 19:105 (see song below)

God doesn’t let us be born in a dark world without putting a light on for us.  Eventually that light will carry us home.  Until then, I will search for Him…

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33

God has always been my provider…He provides me with everything that I need.  Love, patience, understanding, kindness, food, shelter, strength…. I have had to rely on God my whole life.  Because no matter how much the people in your world love you, they will always let you down, they will always have to think of themselves and their family above you….we all are that way.  God provides where we lack and He supplies what we need.  Sometimes we feel we need some things but God knows best.  Even when it doesn’t feel that way, you can be sure He always does what is best for you.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:11-13

“He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91:4

No matter what I say or how much I believe I will always be a wannabe.  I think that it comes from a place inside me that feels not enough.  I want always to be more than I am.  Love more, care more, understand more… a heart that loves more, breaks more… a person who cares more, gets hurt more….the person who understands more forgives more…. Maybe I am more those things than I realize.  Maybe one day I will feel more myself when I stand before my Father and finally go home.  Until then I will keep trying.  I will keep praying for a better tomorrow for me and the people I love. 

I may be a wannabe many things, but I will ALWAYS be Gods girl.

God bless you all, remember to SHINE!

Thy Word
By Amy Grant

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way.
Still, You're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus be my guide,
And hold me to Your side,
And I will love you to the end.

Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
And a light unto my path.
You're the light unto my path.

Life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride...

I would never try to imagine what another soul has had to endure on this earth.  Everyone’s story is their own.  Everyone has had their heartbreak, their brokenness, their goodness and some can even see the beauty at the end of all of it. 

What is that old saying... 

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.  If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” Unknown

I believe that to be true. Oh, sure, I have been in dark places and thought that was a load of crap.  But at the end of every struggle God has ever brought me through, I know God has been on the other side reminding me that life can be beautiful. 

I think the best example I ever heard about God’s love for us was what Clark Davis says in the movie Love Comes Softly, he said:

“Missy could fall down and hurt herself, even if I'm walking right there beside her. That doesn't mean that I allowed it to happen. She knows, as far as unconditional love, I'll pick her up and I'll carry her. I'll try to heal her. I'll cry when she cries. And I'll rejoice when she is well. In all the moments of my life, God has been right there beside me. The truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen. It's His promise that he'll be there with us when they do.”

That is just it, isn’t it?  Life happens! It is a series of unfortunate events all leading back to that damn snake in the Garden of Eden. God gave us free will and apart from it there can be no love.  So while we suffer everyone’s free will to make their own decisions, we must trust that God will be with us through everything.  That the love that He has for us and us for Him will be enough to get us through each tragedy that consumes us. Think about it for a minute… That time you fell and broke your arm… He was with you….your family member left this world suddenly…He was with you…your brother, sister, uncle, aunt, mother, father did drugs and hurt your family over and over again….God was with you…that time that family member touched you wrong…God was with you…your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband, betrayed you, left you…God was with you…

“..all the moments of my life, God has been right there beside me…”

I believe that with my whole heart.  God has been my one true constant.  He reminds me everyday why life isn’t always beautiful the journey is, and why we need to continue to love one another; how important it is to LOVE. 

Life ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride…

I love that song by Gary Allen (see the lyrics at the bottom).  He also sings another song that I love where he says

“Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns ’cause we all have thorns” (Every Storm runs out of rain)

… his music is beautiful.  He reminds us to take a chance, keep loving and keep moving forward….

I know a lot of you have been through so much and you are feeling plain tired and worn out.

Life can break your heart.  My friend wrote this the other day as a status update on Facebook.  It really hit home for me.  It is a struggle I think a lot of us face.  She said it so perfectly I asked if I could post it in my blog.  She was kind enough to let me.

“Don't ever believe you know someone completely, because one day you may find out you didn't really know them at all. And don't ever think you can't possibly be hurt worse than you've been hurt by someone you love, because one day you may find out you can. Nothing is ever a sure thing except one thing. And that's God's love for you. No matter how bad the pain is, or how broken you are, God is waiting there to rescue you. All you have to do is trust Him and cry out to Him to rescue you. God hears the prayers of the brokenhearted.” Sue Smith

When my boyfriend broke up with me suddenly out of nowhere, I was right there in those words.  I never thought he would ever do what he did.  I thought I would never hurt more than I did in those days as God worked with me through my healing.  In all my brokenness God was there.  He was right there with me and I know He heard each cry of my heart, wiped each tear and held me each moment of the day I felt I couldn’t go on.  The one constant was His voice in my head that said He loved me and He would NEVER leave me.  That no matter who came in and out of my life He was the One true constant. 

In time I came to appreciate more and more the pain I suffered because it brought me even closer to God.  There is no comfort in the world like the comfort the Lord provides.  Because of His comfort I can comfort others; I know this because of the people God brought into my life every time tragedy would strike. He always brought the right people at the right time and His comfort would pour over me like living water.  It makes me want to reach out and comfort others suffering.  I want to ease their pain, because I know how much it hurts.

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

Never under estimate the love God has for you.  No matter what you are facing today, God is right there with you.  He will heal you, He will cry when you cry and He will rejoice when you are well….

...life ain't always beautiful...but it's a beautiful ride...

God bless you dear ones and remember to SHINE!

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the dayBut the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time
[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

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