Depression and Anxiety: The Need for Hope

Most of you know that I suffer depression and anxiety on a daily basis.  Even with medication, it isn’t always easy to get through a day.  This changes a lot when there are things around me in my life that are difficult.  Could be something big or small that sets me off and I am either ready to crawl out of my skin because I cannot sit still, or I am numb and can barely move. 

When I lived alone, it didn’t matter what was happening to me, because there was no one around that it affected.  Now that I have a family, I cannot help but feel like I am a complete disappointment.  I feel like I make everyone unhappy and at times, I am just a complete drag.  I have nightmares about it and they manifest into my daily life, leaving me feeling scared and alone in my fears.  A lot of times I have to try to reconcile how I feel with how they are really feeling and at the end of the day, there is more my fears than their actual feelings.  

Right now my boyfriend and I are trying to make it together, trying to pay bills with the looming end of the month when his seasonal job ends and he is back to looking for work, again.  We balance work, home, kids, each other - - well not much time for each other.  By the end of the day we are both so exhausted, it just feels like we coexist, anymore. On top of that we are dealing with our 15 year old who got in trouble with the police, ran away from home and dropped out of school.  My boyfriend is a mess in his own way, our other two daughters are dealing, but it is hard on them.  We don’t know what to do about everything and live in a constant state of limbo wondering if she will ever come home again.  Her selfishness is both annoying and heartbreaking.  I love my daughter and I want her to come home, but she has changed so much and she doesn’t care about anyone else but herself right now.  That isn’t how it works in a family.  I hate what she has done to her father and her sisters more than anything.  She has no idea how much she has completely decimated this family.  We do not function as a whole anymore.  We all feel the loss and miss the best parts of her, daily.

I feel like I have to be at my best right now for them, but deep inside, I am at my worst.  I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like with everything going on he needs to worry about or take care of me, but I am a mess inside. I am stuck in a loop of worry about our daughter, anger over the whole situation, sadness over what it is doing to everyone and all of these things added to my normal depression and anxiety have me feeling like I can barely function anymore.  Which is hard with a full time job at a very busy law office.

I feel like a complete failure as a girlfriend, friend, mother and human being in general.  I pray and pray and feel like it is just empty.  I know God is there, He has never failed me, but my depression isolates me and I feel so alone.  My boyfriend doesn’t even know how to deal with me anymore, because one minute I am angry and arguing, the next I am defeated and don’t care.  I am just as sick of it as he is; though his patience with me is the most beautiful gift.

I think the hardest part is that I have lived this before.  I know what it is like when one or more of your siblings runs away and you are left with your parents who don’t know what to do or how to keep everyone moving.  God was with me as that young child.  I did not understand what was happening.  So I try to explain it to my girls, and to my boyfriend.  It is hard for me to have hope of change, because in my life, they never changed, not until they were adults anyway.  We try so hard to keep moving and keep having fun and do things together as a family because we do not want them to be stuck in this endless cycle of worry and fear, even though we ourselves are. 

I keep praying for all our girls.  I keep praying for my boyfriend, for us as a family.  I may not always be at my best, but I pray daily that God protects us and keeps us together.  That He will take away all my fears and help me feel better, help my boyfriend and our girls feel better.  I just want to feel better so I can be at my best for the people I love the most.

I need some hope. 

?Living? With a Mental Illness...

Am I living this life?

Anyone who has a mental illness knows that there are bouts of time that you are not living your life, you are surviving your life.  

The amount of effort it takes to get up in the morning alone can zap all your strength.  There are days you feel nothing you do is right and because you cannot think clearly or rationally at times, it makes you feel less than you should be.  

Sometimes I feel like I am one blow up away from losing everything I have and it terrifies me.  When I was younger I lost a lot, and a lot was taken from me.  For much of my adult life I shut myself away, terrified to let anyone in.  Terrified that if I did, they would leave eventually because I have Bipolar.  Anyone who has this illness or knows someone who has it knows it is a never ending battle.  

On good days I feel strong and hopeful that I can make it through this life just fine.  That I am not defined by my illness, but rather it makes me stronger.  I feel happy and loved and excited about my life.  Those are the days that I trust God to lead my life and do all I can to laugh and have fun....blue sky days...

On a bad day, I fight the darkest demons that tell me I don't deserve to live.  That I am holding my loved ones back.  That I am not worth the effort or the trouble that my melt downs cause.  That I am not worthy of the sacrifice it takes to be in my life.  I feel hopeless and sad and feel like giving up.  These are my dark days...

I try so hard to dig myself out of the darkness.  I don't want my kids to be touched by this, but they are.  That is when I feel like I am loosing this battle.  That is when I feel completely crushed.

When my darkest days turn into night and I am sad and crushed and broken, I reach out to the light.  I reach out to God.  Like tonight.  I sit here typing this well after midnight because I feel sad, broken and crushed in spirit.  I hate when my mental illness takes from my life and how it gets in the way of my relationship with my boyfriend.  I hate that it confuses my kids and I hate more than anything that it touches their life.  I feel so lost and sad.  

But there is this song....

You cry yourself to sleep, 

cause the hurt is real 

and the pain cuts deep, 

all hope seems lost, 

with heartache your closest friend 

and everyone else long gone 

You've had to face the music on your own

but there is a sweeter song that calls you home saying...

YOU'RE NOT ALONE FOR I AM HERE

LET ME WIPE AWAY YOUR EVERY TEAR

MY LOVE, I'VE NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE

I HAVE SEEN YOU THROUGH THE DARKEST NIGHT

AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S LOVED YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

ALL YOUR LIFE.

This song has got me through some of my toughest nights.  Tonight it is such a beacon to me.  As my boyfriend and three beautiful daughters sleep.  I sit in our living room, tears streaming down my face, listening to this song, trying to find His voice. Letting the music ease the pain in my heart, and allowing the tears rinse out the bad from the day.  

There are reasons for everything.  All that is going on around me brought me to this chair in the middle of night, to type these words, to cry these tears, to remind me of this song, to bring me back to the One who loves me.  

I hate the truth of it, but you truly do have to know darkness 

before you can appreciate the light. 

I know that I have many more blue sky days to come, just as I know I have many more dark days ahead.  My one comfort is that I do not face a single blue sky day, or dark day alone.  God is with me and even when I can't feel Him, I know deep down, He is with me.  He has never left my side.  He will protect my children.  He will watch over my family.  He is the root to my comfort.  

I end this blog with God's truth.  His love never fails.  Though I fail my God daily, He NEVER fails me.  That is God's truth, that is my Truth.  

Tomorrow will be a long day, but I know I do not face it alone.

Hang in there friends, and never ever forget to shine.

My How things Have Changed: I am a Mother

It has been over a year since I have posted a blog.  

So let's see the changes....

So, I have gained weight.  I have had to have my medication increased. My cat is now 4 years old.  I have learned that I cannot control everything in my life.  My boyfriend and I have celebrated two years of growing together.  And the most important change is learning how to be  a Mom.  

~A Step in That Direction~

Those who know me know that all I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother.  Ever since I was a little girl, that is what I have wanted to be.  The idyllic way of becoming such was overshadowed by the sheer need of a mother's heart to be a mom and three little girls who desperately wanted and needed a mother.  We have come a long way in the past two years.  We are just beginning to learn how to be a family.  Learning to trust one another.  That is hard.  Learning about each other has had its ups and downs.  It isn't easy to take 5 different people with their own ideas and mind sets and throw them all together.  I think we have come along fairly well in the past couple years.  

~My Love~

*Mikhael*

I have a deep and loving relationship with Mikhael, full of laughter and jokes and such ease. Being with him has always felt so natural.  He makes me think.  He makes me want to be a better woman, a better person, a free thinker.  He encourages me to make better choices for my life and to be open to change.  His love has given me wings to feel more at peace with myself and with who I am.  Though I still struggle deeply with my mental and emotional issues, he loves me through all of it and gives me a reason to smile every day.  His patience and understanding has been something that deeply moves me.  No one in my life has ever shown me that kind of abiding love.  We were first friends and that made such a difference for me.  No matter what is happening in my life I have my best friend at home and I can talk to him about anything.  If I just need a safe place to lay my head, he is there to offer his shoulder.  If I need advice, he has tons.  If I need a laugh, that well is never empty.  He supports me and sets me straight.  He doesn't boost my ego, he boosts my confidence. We have had a lot of ups and downs and I know that won't really change, that is life.  I am thankful that we stick together through everything and remember just how much we love each other.  His commitment to me is so cherished.

~My Daughters~

*Shakira* 

Now 14 and in high school.  The same high school in fact that I went to.  These seasons with her have been difficult and at times, heart wrenching.  The past couple years were her end times in Jr. High.  That has to be the start of the hardest years of a child's life.  She is trying to figure out who she is, what she wants to do with her life and who she wants to be.  The pressures of her peers have left her in agony so much over the past couple years.  I think I have yelled, cried and loved that girl as only a mom can.  Our relationship is what I like to believe, open and honest.  Though there are times I feel she is just trying to gain my favor.  I try to do my best to listen, understand and love her through whatever comes her way.  This has only been difficult in the sense that I never know if it is helping or hindering her growth.  If I were just "dad's girl friend," I would be her friend and that is it.  That isn't how it is, I have to be her mom first.  She and I are both struggling with that at times.  However, I believe that she sees more and more everyday that I love her and she is my daughter and I am not going anywhere.  This is a critical time in her life and I do not want her to ever feel she is going through this alone.  I don't think she truly understands how very much I love her.  

*Kahlan* 

Now 13 and in 7th grade.  The same middle school I went to.  She has grown so much the past couple years.  Though we have butt heads at times because we are both stubborn and emotional creatures, on a rainy cold day she is the first to cuddle under a blanket with me and watch tv.  Her heart is so big, though she tries to hide it under that tough false bravado.  There are times I want to scream at her, times I shake my head, and times I am so proud of her, I could burst.  She has the empathy that always got me in trouble at her age.  She wants to help others at the sacrifice of herself.  I tell her she is just as important as those she tries to help, if not more.  She still suffers for their heartache.  My job as her Mom is to love her and encourage her to love herself.  The past couple years have had their difficulties, but the beautiful moments with her precious heart has so many times soothed my own sad and tired heart.  She is quiet and withdrawn at times and I recognize that need for downtime and disconnection from the world.  I was the same way at home when I was her age.  I try to encourage her to both take the time she needs, but not lose sight of the importance of family time.  This one, she knows how much I love her, I think because of her empathy, she can feel it more easily than the others.

*Brenna* 

Now 12 and in 6th grade (again, same school I went to).  This artistic, funny and silly little girl is now in middle school.  I cannot believe how much she has grown!  She is taller than me already!  She loves it too.  She teases her sister mercilessly since she is not just taller than me, but all us girls in the house.  She loves to draw, paint, read and play games.  She has so much of her dad's imagination and so much of his heart as well.  They are two peas in a pod.  Now that she is entering these difficult years, I feel such a need to protect her innocence and her heart from the other kids around her.  Peer pressure is strong, but I am hoping her strength will stay in tact.  She has been a breath of fresh air when the winds of change has barraged at our door.  She is one of the first there to help if we need it and true to the youngest in a family, has learned a lot by what her sisters have gone through.  Maybe because I am the youngest in my family I identify with her in this way.  Perhaps, too, because she is the youngest I want her to stay that way as long as possible.  Too soon her sister will be grown and out of the house.  My little artist may leave the nest one day, but I am sure she won't fly too far away.  She knows her mommy loves her.

~In a Nut Shell~

Family is everything, and my family is my everything.  I am thankful for the changes I have had in my life.  Though some days I wonder how I will ever make it through a mind that seems hell bent on stealing my joy, and teenagers who try my patience, and a boyfriend who at times drives me crazy to the edge of reason, I still stop at the end of each day and thank God for each and every one of them.  I have waited my whole life for this.  I cannot get that song out of my head "I Could Not Ask For More" by Sara Evans.....

I found all I've waited for

...and I could not ask for more.

Thank you for being here to read my thoughts.  Always remember to smile and never forget to let yourself SHINE.

Those Freaky Mental Feelings...

Recovering Hermit or Hummingbird Foraging Along a Regular Route?

The word HERMIT can mean many things to many people.  A Hermit by definition means:

her·mit

ˈhərmət/

noun

1.      A person living in solitude as a religious discipline.

synonyms:		recluse, solitary, loner, ascetic, marabout, troglodyte; More

2.      a hummingbird found in the shady lower layers of tropical forests, foraging along a regular route.

Either way it means solitude or habit.  I lived alone, basically, for 10 years.  In that time I became a creature of habit.  After time, friends moved away and I would go to work, go for a walk and go home.  My life became an inevitable vortex of aloneness and habit.  At first I think it was a coping mechanism for being alone, then it became my retreat. I got used to being alone and started to love it.  I love my books, my shows, and my internet.  I got used to just seeing my boss, coworker and some clients each day.  Then I would put on my headphones and drown the world out and go for a walk, then go home to my cat.  This life worked for a long time.  I began to really make myself believe I was better off alone.  I still fall in that way of thinking at times. 

Ten months ago my friend and his 3 daughters moved in with me.  At first it was just my friend moving in and helping him with his kids and letting them get back on their feet.  After a while, I just fell in love with all of them and we started to become a family.  

It took a lot of months of feeling like I was going to come out of my skin I was so anxious all the time having my house a mess (it is a small condo), and having people around all the time.  It was difficult to explain to people who have never truly been alone to understand what a change this was for me.  On top of all this I have Bi Polar and an Extreme Anxiety Disorder.  I am on medication and I am thankful for that.  It helps a lot.  But, I still struggle, daily.  I have to constantly stop myself and breathe and take inventory of my feelings and emotions. 

Here I am again feeling like I am getting into a new routine.  I mostly just see my boyfriend and our girls every day.  I see my boss and coworker and some clients.  I got used to that as we were getting to know each other better and growing as a family, I got used to it just being us.  Now that we are more settled we see other people more often.  We spend a lot of time with my friends I have had since high school.  They are more family than friends.  However, going to visit them means more people around and inevitably other people flock over too.  We have found ourselves going to more BBQ’s and get togethers.  I love it, I do.  But, it drains me. 

This is where I feel so inadequate.

I found myself opening up to my boyfriend and telling him that I am embarrassed by how much I am drained by being around people.  It feels like everyone is around others and they have no problems, and here I am around people, even people I love, and I get so drained and weak I cannot even do anything the next day.  Talk about feeling inadequate! Even knowing why I feel that way does not make it better.  I feel like I fail my boyfriend and our kids every day.  If I don’t have everything lined up, and the house is a mess and bills are late, or anything comes along and throws a wrench in our plans, I get so disoriented and it makes me feel anxious and nervous.  I know I snap at them too much, I know that I make fun things more agitating.  It kills me.  This is when I slide into thinking it would be better if I were alone so that I didn’t burden them so much.  They themselves have been through so much.  All I can think of is they deserve so much better than me.   I try really hard not to let my thoughts go there. 

It is a constant battle.

Living with a mental illness is a very life disrupting disease.  You cannot take a pill and get over it.  You cannot just get better.  Each day holds something that just makes life more difficult than it has to be. Days turn into bad feelings and excuses… I am sorry I am extra tired today…. I am sorry I have a headache…. I am sorry I am just anxious…. I am sorry…..I am sorry….I am sorry….  It has to be too much.  They have to get sick of this….Your mind begins to eat itself, you lash out you hurt you anger the people around you, when you see yourself doing it you stop and feel ten times more guilty.  I get sick inside.  I hate doing this to the people that I love.  I hate they have to suffer through this with me.  My friends tell me that I deserve love and they love me that is why we work through this stuff.  But, I feel like I am not going to get better, so this isn’t something that is just going to pass by.  Eventually I am going to push the last straw and I will lose everything. 

I know fears have no place in a child of God.  I know that I have to stand against these thoughts and find a balance and be open with how I am feeling and get the help I need to continue moving in the direction of healthy living.  I need to get sleep, eat right, exercise and continue to love and nurture my relationships.  Every day is fight and I fight harder because of my mental illness.  I have to stop looking at it as something that debilitates me and make myself rise above it.  I may have these thoughts and feelings sometimes, but I am stronger than my illness. I am stronger than my worst day.  I FIGHT because I love me, and I love my boyfriend and our girls with all my heart.  I will fight for our family and if that isn’t enough, then at least I know that I did my best. 

I could not make it without God.  I could not get through this life without Him.  I am so thankful that he brought my boyfriend and his kids into my life.  That he shares his life and most precious treasures with me.  I am so thankful that he loves me and that he is so understanding and patient.  My boyfriend puts me in my place when I need it.  Even if I do not like it at the time, it is so appreciated.  It helps to balance me. 

Even though I fight my hermit tendencies, I keep trying and keep fighting every day to try harder and to do better and make better decisions.  I love my family and I am willing to do whatever it takes to continue moving through this life with them. 

I know God will be there to give me the strength I need to make it through my worst days and I know He is there celebrating each triumph. 

As I end this blog today, please know that no matter what you are facing today, whether it be a mental illness, a sickness, a death in your family, or a wrench that has been thrown into you plans, God is with you.  You are NOT alone.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through.  Just keep holding on and always remember to smile and never forget to let yourself SHINE.

The Chaos Inside Me

WHAT IS THIS

It is so hard to describe what you are going through to someone who has never experienced it.  This could be a myriad of different things; the loss of a parent, a child, a friend, a pet; an illness. People want to understand and they want to help but a lot of times they just can’t.  That is ok.  It is ok if they cannot understand what you are feeling.  It doesn’t make what you are going through anymore or any less difficult or hard.  They care to ask and to be there and that is enough. 

Dealing with a Mental Illness:

THE BATLE

I never thought I would ever say that I have a mental illness.  Even typing that out I want to erase and rephrase it.  I do not like categories or labels.  I am my own person with my own thoughts and feelings.  I never thought I would be lumped into a category, especially one that is attached to such stigmas, highly misunderstood and frightening! With this comes an unbearable amount of agony over not being able to help my friends and family understand what is happening to me or what I need.  A lot of times I don’t all the way understand it myself.  I feel this great need to protect everyone from me.  Like I need to keep away so that I do not hurt anyone or ask too much of anyone.  It is a terrible and vicious circle. 

Living so long with depression and suffering silently while it felt like I had such chaos inside of me has taken its toll.  My relationships and friendships have suffered over the years because of my inability to understand what is happening to me.  Now that I am starting to break through the darkness and clear my mind, I am faced with some frightening truths.  I am sick.  This is in every way a chronic illness.  It can be managed, but it will not go away.  What I am feeling is normal inside the realms of what this is.  I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life in order to keep the serotonin levels where they need to be and to help with the chronic anxiety. 

THE BATTLE PLAN

I am on medication.  I hate it. Granted I just started it, but right now everything feels worse and on top of it I feel sick.  This is just the adjustment phase and I am assured that in time it will be so good for me.  I am truly trying to believe that.  I know that God would not have lead me here for nothing.  I have medication to help me sleep, and I have medication to help me control my serotonin levels and my anxiety.  I have a therapist.  I never thought I would ever go to a therapist.  I always said Jesus was my counselor.  I am not disregarding the years that Jesus has helped me through, because He has helped me through nights no one knows I have gone through.  He has helped me through every phase of this illness and I know that He sent me my therapist.  She is wonderful.  She listens to me!  Yes, I pay her, but she truly heard me.  She heard my cry for help and understood immediately what my fears were about taking medication. 

COMMUNI-WHAT

Now that I am on medication and seeing a therapist the work really begins.  I have lived in a world of books and movies and tv my whole life.  I hid inside of myself afraid of the chaos inside of me; afraid of dealing with some painful happenings in my past; afraid of people loving me; afraid of people not loving me; afraid of people leaving me.  My communication, while it has gotten better, needs a lot of work.  I need to work on perceptions and stop guessing how people will react or what they will say.  I need to learn to let people have their own feelings and make their own choices.  I never realized in not communicating I was putting barriers between me and the people I love by assuming how they felt about things. In my irrational mind I am not worth loving, I am not worth understanding and I am not worth fighting for.  So I may as well walk away and release them from having to be the bad guy.  Release myself from them disappointing me by doing it to myself.  I would tell myself it was easier this way.  I have faded in and out of my friend’s lives for years.  Never really understanding what I was doing or why I was doing it.  I never communicated with them what I was going through, so many have felt my choices were selfish.  I suppose in a way they were, but I wasn’t trying to be.  So these are lessons I have learned.  Being in therapy will help with all this.

NOW WHAT

Exactly.  Now what!?  I have no idea.  I am taking this day by day.  It is hard to explain to people that I do not feel good right now. Nothing feels right.  The side effects of the medication right now are painful and disturbing.  Add that to what I was feeling before and all I can say is I am in chaos.  In time I know that everything will start to feel better.  I know the medicine will help and all this pain and suffering I have been in for years will finally lead to much healing.  I am so thankful to God for always being with me.  Being alone is more difficult when you are feeling such chaos, but I have little reminders that He never leaves me.  By His stripes we are healed.  I will get through this...

 

 Thank you for reading my thoughts on what is happening in my life.  Remember to always trust the Lord to lead you and remember to enjoy the journey.  Never forget to SHINE!

Another Fight to Fight

There is no preparing for a scary diagnosis from your doctor.  I still remember how my world stood still when I was diagnosed with diabetes.  It scared me so bad, but somehow I rose above the fear and got better.  I nursed myself back to life and began to live for probably the first time in my life.  The next diagnosis was just as scary.  I was diagnosed with extreme depression and manic depression (Bipolar).  My doctor saw the warning signs of it when I was in my twenties and I was on medication, but I went off of them.  I have been struggling ever since. 

It is difficult to explain to people when I would get severely depressed or when I would be in a manic state.  Unless you go through such highs and lows, it is difficult to understand.  The severity of the lows is so much more than sadness.  For me, I also have Psychomotor Retardation depression.  Wiki describes this condition like this: 

“*(also known as "psychomotor impairment" or "motormental retardation") involves a slowing-down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. Psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions, including speech and affect. This is most-commonly seen in people with major depression and in the depressed phase of bipolar disorder.”

So the lows are real low and the highs are insane.  Can’t sleep, can’t eat, erratic behavior, paranoia, irrational fears, overspending, forgetfulness, the list goes on.  I have struggled my whole life with depression, but the other stuff, that is what has always scared me.  It is difficult to maintain healthy relationships with people when you feel like you literally cannot handle yourself or your life.  It makes living hard.  It makes everything hard.  Over the past few years I have slowly become sicker and sicker.  I have been literally spinning my wheels trying to do whatever I can to mask what I have been suffering; to plaster that smile on my face and keep moving.  There comes a time when no matter what you do you just cannot hide that fact that you are not ok. 

Therapy was a great start, but obviously not enough.  I am going to be working closely with my doctor and my therapist to make sure I find a medication that works for me.  I am told it will get better.  I am told that once I am on a medication that works for me I will begin to fell normal….. I don’t even know what normal feels like.  I have been faking it my whole life; pretending that I am not suffering inside.  Yes, I have been happy; I have had beautiful moments and peace in my heart.  But it is never for long.  I want to reverse this. I want to be able to deal with my past and live here and now and be hopeful for my future.  

I want to LIVE. 

I am so blessed to have the support of my friends and family.  Without them I could not make it.  I have tried to do this on my own for so many years.  I am going to have to let people help me.  I am going to have to let my people love me.  I am going to have to love myself.  While I am so afraid of how I have been feeling, and I am so afraid of the ups and downs of the medications, it just has to be better than suffering so deeply for so long in silence.  The weight of all this is too much.  I cannot take it anymore.  If I don’t fix this, I won’t make it. 

I know that God has put some very special people in my life to help me find my way in this darkness. From my friend who wouldn’t let me hide; friends who supported me from afar; my best friend for taking me to and from doctors appointments and therapy sessions when I could barley even function; family who let me open up and share what I have been suffering; to my coworker and boss who urge me to keep going everyday; to a wonderful Doctor who truly cares about me and a Therapist that saw through my mask, saw my pain and listened to my cry for help in the only way I knew how.  God paved the way through all of this to help me to get the help I need. 

I have a long road ahead of me.  I know that I will always have to fight, but my parents raised me to not only be strong but to be a survivor. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

I will keep moving, I will keep praying, I will keep fighting…. And you can bet I will keep shinning!

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychomotor_retardation

A Faith Not Shaken

~Faith~

I was reading a question in my devotions this morning.  It was talking about works-based faith and faith-based works.  There is such a difference.  I think of all the times in my life when I have seen God’s hand of mercy in my friend’s lives.  Watching their lives come together and watching all the good happening and thinking if “I” work hard at having faith I can have that too.  It took my whole life, all the pain, suffering and wrong roads to finally get me to the place where I am today. Knowing that it is not in “me” that God does anything, it is in “Him.” We do not have faith to prove to God we are ready for what He has for us.  We go through our own seasons, our own shacks and allow Him to guide us and learn our own lessons.  We have our own relationship with God and learn to hear Him in our own way.  When we get to that place where we learn to have faith not in our situation or by our own acts, or even in people, we learn that our faith is truly in the Lord.  That no matter what the situation and no matter what is happening, we have to trust the Lord’s will to be done.  Knowing that He truly does act in our best interest.  He replenishes, blocks, protects, guards, and restores our hearts.  We have to have an inner faith that says “you know what God, this is what I want, but if you don’t want that in my life, I trust you to remove it and replace it with what you feel is best for me.”  That is when you have found true faith.

 

"where they strengthened the believers. They encouraged them to continue in the faith, reminding them that we must suffer many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God.” Acts 14:22

 

We must remember that true faith is knowing that God is with us and taking those steps that sometimes feel impossible, knowing His hand is in it and He will bring around His acts in and through us.  We do not come by this naturally of course it is taught to us through the countless times God has been there to pick up the broken pieces.  All the times that He faithfully stayed by our sides when we ran off in all kinds of crazy directions trying to find our own way.  It can be in just a moment realizing that is where you are at, but it takes our whole lives to learn to live in that state of faith.  Where the world shakes around us; God stands within us.  That is having the faith that does not shake us. 

 

“Therefore, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: "Look! I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem, a firm and tested stone. It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on. Whoever believes need never be shaken.” Isaiah 28:16

I have said this before, but I am a Peter.  I tend to believe when I see and then lose faith as I walk across the water.  Going through what I have in my life, I have learned a different kind of faith.  Maybe a true faith?  That it is not in our own faith that takes us out on that water, it is His love for us, His determination to be with us, to show us His true heart. To trust that He is with us no matter what and even if we fall, He will catch us.  You don’t have to start walking and have faith you will make it towards what you want, you start walking knowing that no matter what God will take care of you.  If this is His will, He will guide your path and get you to your destination.  If there is another way, another path, trust that He will show you, guide you.  If you make mistakes along the way, fall and get hurt, He will be there to pick you up and heal you.  He will even provide a new way to help you get started again. 

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

God has a way of leading me right where I need to be.  I sure do make a mess of things and allow myself to get all twisted up.  But God is always there to unravel me.  To pick me up and love me through it.  He helps me to remember that His grace is sufficient.  He is more than enough for me.  His love will help me to be the woman He is calling me.  I have faith in that.  I know that when I pray this scripture, He is guiding me by His truth and He teaches me.  He is my everything and my hope is in Him alone. 

 

“Show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your TRUTH and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long.”  Pslam 25:4-5

 

I know I will not always feel this strong in where my life is going, but I pray that God would always remind me that He taught me how to get here, now I need to trust that He will always get me back here. 

 

This is my prayer for you reading this:  (Ephesians 1:15-23)

 

 15For this reason I too, having heard of the faith in the Lord Jesus which exists among you and your love for all the saints, 16do not cease giving thanks for you, while making mention of you in my prayers; 17that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. 18I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might 20which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, 21far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church, 23which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all. 

 

AMEN

 

Remember to love God, love yourself and always, always, always, remember to SHINE on!